Cute. But an odd sort of cute.

Meh the past couple weeks have been HAAARD on me. I have to stay awake until I pick Joe up from school or I’ll oversleep (this happened yesterday – I was 30 minutes late and only woke up because they called :/ CRAP).

Then I end up letting him in here on my computer while I try to catch a nap until the girls/Dave get home and then I just sleep until it’s time for work.

This sucks. I really don’t have much recollection of the past couple weeks…unnerving.

I’m also wondering if I’m having panic attacks. I know, how do you wonder this? lol

For a long time I’ve been convinced that it’s my heart…I have an irregular heartbeat but it’s never really been too noticable.

A few months ago I was feeling it quite a bit and it would make me gasp – and since then I’ve been convinced I’ve been feeling it a lot, and my heart has been racing.

I started thinking about it and I don’t think that’s what I’m feeling…it hasn’t been like that in a long time but I’ll lay down and feel like my heart is racing. Sometimes it wakes me up and I’ll lay here and I just know my heart is pounding for whatever reason.

But I won’t go back to sleep because I SWEAR I’m going to have a heart attack if I do. Or that I might just die in my sleep…

and the screwed up part is that it’s been such a matter-of-fact feeling that I haven’t QUESTIONED IT.

The other night it happened and I had the same calm feeling about it thinking “I’ll be ok in a few minutes, I just can’t go to sleep, I’ll have a heart attack or something.”

I’ve always been under the impression that during a panic attack you…panic. I had the presence of mind to check my friggin pulse. wtf? My heart WASN’T racing it was actually normal, maybe just a tad faster than normal for me.

:/ Maybe just anxiety attacks? I’ve had a twitch in my eye for a few weeks too…

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, medicated, thera…pied lol when I was younger, but I haven’t been on meds in years. I’m starting to wonder if I needed to have been on them. I never thought I did, but I keep looking at situations in the past 6 months (let alone years) and thinking some a lot of things have been pretty wild and unfounded.

I think all of this with Joe has just made it more absurd for me :/

*sigh* and yet I’ll put off talking to someone like I always do because I have those nagging (like I said…absurd) thoughts that I might just be making it up, what if it’s nothing, blah blah blah.

*raaaammmbbblllllllleeeeee* lol

I broke my glasses this morning. I’m blind.

And I have my weapons qualification week after next.

FUN TIMES! lmao I have an appt Tuesday but there’s no guarantee they can get my lenses back in time even if I pick frames there.

Because it’s been 4.5 YEARS since my last set.

Hey. I haven’t had eye coverage since then. Nor the money to just buy them outright.

Now I do. And I need glasses, Dave needs glasses, Joe needs glasses…and probably at least one of the girls.

But I’m blind. So I win. I go first. HA! Not really. Bleh.

Oh. I’m rambling because I’m FRIGGIN exhausted.

Dave is panicking. Well first because he doesn’t know what he’s going to do while I’m gone about picking Joe up from school. He said, “Joe needs to go back full time to school…before you leave for Tullahoma.”

*he has fear in his eyes*

“I can’t take off all week!”

omg chill…SOMEONE will pick him up and he’ll know about it…dang. lol

THEN…I drove Chasity to work last night and stopped at her house this morning. No big deal, I’ve done this before and he takes the kids to school like usual.

Well this morning he calls my phone and says “Are you going to grace us with your presence this morning before we leave or not?”

Wow. I told him probably not, I’d stopped in to gossip talk about some things at work (lol).

He said, “Fine. Bye.”

😮

Ass. lol He called back once he got to work: “Hey…sorry, I was mad earlier and I didn’t tell you I loved you…I love you.”

Aw.

Then he goes on to say: “Who is Ken B.?”

“A guy I met back in 2000 or so. And he knows I work third so I don’t know why he keeps messaging me at night.”

He was talking about a guy on my friends list on facebook…we’re not really close friends, we don’t talk often.

Mainly because we lost touch, and he gets on facebook after I get to work to talk. Dumbass. lol

I already knew why he was asking about him because EVERY DAY I come home and Ken has messaged me a few times, and when I don’t answer (bc I’m not HERE) he leaves a frown face and signs off.

Well my husband who has NEVER been jealous or worried because “I trust you” says “Well, it’s a bit disconcerting to get on the computer EVERY MORNING and see a message from this guy…it’s starting to piss me off. He’s going to get you in trouble, from a husband’s view.”

omg I couldn’t help it. I laughed.

I leave my facebook password saved, and my fb UP all night. (That’s why no one knows when I’m on or they think I’m on all the time)

If I had a guy on the side
A) I wouldn’t do that
B) I wouldn’t be dumb enough to leave it up EVERY NIGHT. Knowing he’s going to write. EVERY NIGHT.
C) If I had a guy on the side, doesn’t he think he’d KNOW when I was at work, so he could AVOID doing that?

I asked him and he said “No. Guys are dumb. That’s why they’re the first ones to get caught.”

Ok. I had to laugh again. It’s cute.

In a weird, sordid sort of way.

My poor husband. I think he’s feeling neglected, with the last two weeks of my sleeping the whole time he’s here, and prior to that I wasn’t feeling well.

And his “frustrations” have…well. Let’s just say I haven’t been in the mood often.

Trust me. That frustrates me too. lol

Awwwwws though.

He DOES get jealous. lol That means he loves me.

See? I told you it was cute in a sordid sort of way.