She could have cried but she didn’t have time.

Well, I was going to do a video, but lilly took a large interest in my camera, and i lost the battery charger for it. So, you’ve missed so much.

This will be split into sections

Lilly – She is just a fucking hoot. She’s starting to say sentences, but she’s just saying the most random things in the world. my favorite examples include "Mommy! look at my boobies! THEY’RE UNDER WATER!" and "mommy? am i princess?" "of course you are sweetheart" "naww, but almost!" and she’s been talking my ear off about her brother, William. She has learned to jump, and she’s been helping mommy so much, I can’t even believe what a big girl she’s turning into. She’s beautiful, and just.. perfect. she has recently been fighting sleeping in her own room, which some nights i find utterly adorable, and other nights i’d kill for a good night of sleep without her butt sticking into my back or something. She is potty trained during the day, and still uses a diaper at night, and naptime, but recently her naptime diaper has been dry so we may stop that soon.

Little man- His front two teeth started popping through about 3 days ago. He’s just smiling so much, and he’s just.. perfect. He’s starting solids, and he’s doing really well on them. Some nights he sleeps like a champ, and other nights it’s a bit rougher. He’s a big guy. he fits into size 18 month clothing, and size 4 diaper, which is nice because he and lilly now wear the same size. (while he is 6 months old), and he’s starting to jump when he’s excited. He seems to get stressed out when lilly starts crying, and is starting to show signs of stranger danger, but overall, he’s been amazing.

parents move – Basically, this was a mess. things didn’t go as planned, and they borrowed a lot of money from me, started staying on my property until things got sorted out, and i turned into hostess for like a month or so, including providing their food, doing their laundry & dishes, giving them a place to stay, they moved a bunch of their shit onto my property temporarily, and most of it is still here, and lets not forget i borrowed them like 3k so that they wouldn’t lose their house, and could move it onto their new property (trailer home) … they moved it onto mine. which is fantastic because i’ll probably get in trouble for not having the permits or something stupid.

Thanksgiving – mess. we spent this year down at my brothers house. my father called little man by the wrong name intentionally and i asked simply that he stick to nick names that at least sound like his name.. I did name him that for a reason, after all. And he got super pissed off and tried to make an ass out of me and i wasn’t having any of it. I said if he wanted to apologize he could come home with me, if not, he could find his own way home (i drove us down). I had done far too much to be undermined (not just in this occasion) and i was just.. Done. I had had enough of his attitude, and after everything i’ve done for them? they should have been kissing my ass not insulting my parenting and being rude. I said a few choice things (screaming at him that he’s a bastard for everything he put my mother through, for one.) and i left with my little brother. He is no longer allowed on my property, and they still owe me around 1200 dollars. Because he is no longer allowed on my property, and because he’s been disrespectful to me, i’ve decided i don’t really want him around my kids, and even without that 2nd thought, he isn’t allowed on my property, soooo he can’t see the kids. Because of that, mom feels that she shouldn’t see the kids either. They’ve been trying to do a lot of emotional blackmail so that i feel bad and apologize i believe? and i did apologize for name calling (even though it wasn’t to his face, i still did) but he’s still no longer in my life because he wont. which leads us to..

Christmas. My parents have chosen to celebrate christmas at my brothers place. They knew before the fight and everything that I would not be able to go because of custody arrangements with sean, but that didn’t matter to them. Soo.. Me and the little one and lilly will be celebrating christmas on christmas eve by ourselves, and then on christmas day, lilly will head to seans and me and little man will have a party of some sort. I half hope chris shows up and surprises me, but i highly doubt it. Truth be told, I’m happy i’m not spending christmas with my parents (the stress relieved is incredible) but i’m still sad I wont be spending it with somebody who can talk. It’s been a rough month for me, i’d like to have somebody to talk to during the holiday.

Chris – our visit was.. something. That happened in november. He’s a great guy. Super funny, and he’s my best friend. Unfortunately, the first day was awkward and i expected it to be, but our first kiss suffered. It got much better though =) The awkwardness went away, and butterflies came and it was just.. fantastic. Honestly, we talked about him coming back up home with me, but we decided it was a poor decision to make and we were just being silly. Things with us the past couple weeks have been rough, I don’t want to lie to you, and you’ll see why in a moment. But I love him. he’s my best friend, and if everything would just calm down for just 5 minutes, I really believe we’d be right back to normal. Before all of this, we were talking of marriage, and moving in together and.. Honestly, everything used to be just fantastic. I forgot how lovely it is to be in love with your best friend.

Sean – last i wrote about was the big news from court, right? Well, nothing new has happened, we aren’t talking really, and he seems to still be with davis. We did find out from a friend of davis that sean had tried to convince her that she should give up the baby, would explain why he didn’t tell me she was pregnant, because he truly was ashamed of it all, and … well, it fits.

School. Because my parents are no longer speaking to me (along with uninviting me to christmas and a number of other things) they have gone back on their promise to watch grey 2 days a week while i went to school since they weren’t working anyway. So basically, day care isn’t an option, I have no way to pay for it, annd.. well, i’m fucked. I did really well this semester, and i just.. don’t have a sitter to continue .. and i can’t afford daycare. simple as that. The state wont help because it’s not my last year of school, and if it’s not work related they wont watch. Chris and I talked a lot about this, and he volunteered to come up, saying he could watch my life fall to pieces and I believed he was going to. But, as always, he keeps going back and forth and doesn’t know what to do. His family doesn’t approve of our relationship or how fast we’re going, and he has been advised to cut all contact with me. that hurts like hell.. they don’t even Know me. I can see whyit would be hard for him to go against his family, and I know he doesn’t want to give up his first stable job in a long time.. But my whole life rides on this. I can’t easily get back into the programs i’m in that are paying for college, And without college, i have to basically get 2 full time jobs (one to pay for daycare and the other to live because i have to get off of mfip very soon).. I would hardly see my kids ,and i honestly would probably never be able to afford to go back to college. so.. I finally did it. I reached out and I asked for help. I need it, and i’m finally going to ask for it. He’s still going back and forth.. and that hurts like hell. My whole life.. my kids whole lives depends on this. This is what gets me out of the welfare system. This is how i get out of poverty. This is how i provide for my kids, our future kids, Not to mention how would i even keep a long distance relationship when i’m working 80 hours a week, and hardly sleeping? How? not like i could afford to take time off to see him. And honestly, any time i would get, i’d like to use it sleeping, eating, or being with my kids.. It’s basically out of the question. We’ll see what he says, but honestly, I think he’s going to freeze up and just.. keep saying "I don’t know what to do!" and I can’t tell him what to do. Even if i did he wouldn’t listen. but even if he tells me he’s coming up, i don’t think i’d believe it until he was here. But at the same time, I love him and he’s my best friend so i keep having this little voice being all "he’ll come through for you, don’t worry. he knows he’s your only option, he Can’t let you down. He’s your best friend" But, as we all know, that doesn’t mean a lot to a lot of people, and I can’t assume everything will be okay.. what if it’s the day of school and he’s not here? There’s so many other things that this is missing like.. his little brother, and his school, and him wanting to be financially independent, and him loving his job, and his ex’s.. god, everything’s a mess. But my classes this semester have been wonderful, and my lowest score is a 98.4 =) Finals are going to be rough, but i’ll be more than okay.

also, I’ve been smoke free for a week =) Very proud of myself.. especially considering all that’s going on.

So in case you missed that: I’m out thousands of dollars, my relationship is on the line, I am past due on almost every bill (because my parents swore they’d have the money by thanksgiving and i was counting on that to pay bills), and my school is in jeopardy (But i’m finishing this semester with very close to a 4.0 which i’m so proud of). I’m down to 3 real friends in my life, one of which is my ex who came out to me the other day, and the other two live at least an hour and a half, or 3 hours away. My family has disowned me and well… My life is falling apart. I need to have faith that something will happen and everything will be okay. It always is. But.. I don’t know how i can just try to act okay with all of this.

And after everything i’ve gone through.. It comes down to childcare For 2 days a week. for a 6 month old. I’ve gone through domestic abuse, being kicked out of a house, molested and raped (BY different people, even.), ptsd, ocd, 3 counts of attempted suicide, 2 unplanned pregnancies, and before this, i always came out on top. but i guess.. maybe my luck ran out.

I have to go. I really don’t have time to be writing this and little man needs to be rocked to sleep, and I need to go to bed while i can.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas if I don’t talk to you before that.

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