in which i ramble and talk about ex’s.

Well.. Chris decided that he wont be moving up here when we originally thought he would.  He wants to wait around a year and he’ll move then.  

I guess he’s not ready to have his brother not be in his every day life.

but he’s apparently okay with me not being part of it.

he’s okay making trips to come see me once a month, but he’s not okay doing the reverse.  Why is he okay only seeing me once a month when i’ve been crying nightly that he’s not near me? 

It stung. I could not ever explain to you how badly it stung.  I felt like I wasn’t worth it.  I felt like he didn’t think we were worth it.  
It stung knowing i would have already been down there if my situation were any different. 

Honestly.. I’m not holding my breath.  I can’t see why he thinks he’s going to be ready to leave his brother in june/july when he can’t bare the thought now.  What does he think will change?  Honestly, if anything, I think it would be harder personally.  

It pretty much came down to either wait for him, or don’t.  

I don’t see how either option is a reasonable option.  I feel like it was completely selfish on both our parts.  I for wanting him to come with me, and him for asking me to wait after he promised.  We both went into this saying that we couldn’t do long distance for very long, and he made plans to move here in the near future.

but if he’ll put if off once, break the promise once, break his word once.. Why should i believe it now?  

I kept asking him what’s going to change, and he kept telling me he didn’t have an answer, but that after this he could never ask me to wait again.

Sounds horribly familiar.  So horribly familiar. 

But really, why would i want him here if he isn’t comfortable being here?  

 Do i think he’s going to move here?  No.  I really don’t.  But how do I throw it away?  I have to give him until july.  in the long run, 6 months isn’t a long time to wait.  But my life doesn’t have a pause button.  And who’s to say that in june or july when he realizes he only has one semester left, let’s just wait a few more months.. and then what is it? I’ll just stay until i can save more with this job.. and then i’m really close to this promotion.. Or i just have to stay to help out *so&so* until they get on their feet.

 the possibilities are endless.  

 He ultimately can’t prove to me that he will be here in june.  He can’t.  His word is shit.  Honestly, even if he proposed.. What does that even show?  Make it that much harder for him to do it.. but he could still walk away.  And who would want to be engaged to somebody that doesn’t live in the same state?

 But how can you be in a relationship with somebody you can’t believe?  

 Empty words and broken promises.  
 
 But i can’t just write it off as nothing.  I’ve felt more towards him than i ever have.  I’d be a fool not to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 I guess we’ll see.

 But diary, I’m tired of crying over it.  And i don’t think i can make it until June.  I told him i’d try.. but that i didn’t know if i actually could.  And if i can’t.. I’m honestly not going to feel guilty.  He sure as hell doesn’t seem to feel guilty over this.  

 I went to bed crying and heartbroken.  I felt lied to and lead on and betrayed.  I guess we’ll see if he and time are going to fix or hurt that.

Only time’ll tell.  

 It’s like, i can’t count on it happening, but at the same time,  It’s really all i have to hold onto this relationship.  If he doesn’t, there’s no hope, honestly.  i will not play that game.  Not again. Not after sean.  Did you know he never even broke up with me?  If you want to get technical, we’re still on a break and he still needs time.  hah.  

no. not again. 

 So that’s the update.  I don’t know what’s going on.  

Do you guys remember back in July of 2007?  When Dylan was leaving for Canada, and I was horribly sick, and i needed somebody to be there for me.  When i stuck out my neck and said I needed somebody here, and i cried in front of him for the first time?  
 and he left for a different country.. because he needed to be with his family to see some music festival.. 

 and my whole world felt like it was coming undone.

and as i was sitting there writing this entry, and pouring my heart out to anybody that would listen, There was a movie on the television, and i still don’t know what movie it was.  But there was a mom and a baby (i think they were black?) and the baby was having trouble walking, and just fumbling all over the place, and the mom stood there, still as stone.  
and she watches as her baby struggles, and doesn’t do a damn thing to help

and that baby walks.  

 that movie has changed my life more than any other movie i’ve ever seen, and i think i watched 5 minutes.  

 
 I remember feeling that way when dylan left for canada, and when sean left, and i sat in my kitchen begging him to stay, that i needed him here.. and i feel it now.  I felt it when i told him i just needed somebody to talk to that night.  That i needed somebody to be there for me.  And his phone died and he wouldn’t charge it because he decided to have roommates and he shares a room (WONT CHANGE ANYTHING MY FUCKING ASS).  I actually told him i needed him, while i was crying and he let me be alone.  And every single time i always think "well, I got far too attached this time."

 but i always walk.  I always do.

part of me thinks this is the reason i get so damn jaded.  I try my best to be there for people when they need me, and when i reach out, it never goes as i imagined it would.  

Squish, you remember what happened just days after this in 2007?  You were there for me when they weren’t.  You always are.  I could never thank you.  5 years and strong =)  I still look for it on occasion. I hope you are.  Happy belated anniversary, darling.