My bad habit

I’m sorry, I keep writing one entry a year when I use to write every day. Anywho, I just have a lot on my mind right now that keeps coming out in my dreams. As you know, I have this deep passion to be married. I just read my last entry from almost a year ago and it sounded like it was going to happen soon. The proposal that is. 🙁 I can’t help but get this horrible feeling that I’m gonna be one of those girls who never gets married because the guy is just comfortable not being married and having to deal with the fuss. I’ve talked to him about it quite a bit. I’m my own worst enemy in that way. I have an issue where I can’t keep my mouth shut and I just go on and on about how badly I want to be married to Paul. So of course that makes him feel like he’s pressured and then it makes him not want to ask me because of pressure and because I don’t make it easy for him to actually propose. I take all the fun out of it because I’m always expecting it. So I think I really turned him off of the idea and it just kills me because I did it to myself. I seriously hate myself so much for not being able to turn my stupid off when it comes to that topic. I’m going to try my hardest to just keep  it all in. All the thoughts I have about it just bottled up inside my little body. I feel so incomplete though. I’m more than sure it’s  because of this. God I hate myself so much. I bet a year ago if I hadn’t gotten pregnant and I never talked about marriage he would’ve asked me then. i don’t know what to think anymore. I know he loves me cause he shows me everyday. I just need to know if it’s going to happen soon so i can shut myself up. He said sometime before the end of the year…but I think that’s out the window now because I had a conversation and said that I didn’t mind if it took him longer than that because I wanted him to be more comfortable with it.  Still, I just feel so empty. I feel like maybe there is someone out there who would marry me right now if they had the chance, and it just kills me because I don’t want anyone else. Wow, that was super egotistical. See? What the hell is wrong with me?I can feel this upcoming winter being depressing and cold. I’ve been a ray of sunshine the past two weeks but that’s because I don’t want to have any negative feelings in my day to day life. So I’m finally letting out my feelings here where I feel safe. God I miss venting on this thing. I can get out what I’m feeling without feeling like I’m being judged for what I say. Even though my friends read sometimes. I keep having dreams that I get proposed to. Some of the dreams I end up being absolutely disgusted with the ring and I feel bad for it so I start crying because I feel like he didn’t listen to my wishes. (which is the complete opposite in real life, he is a very tentative listener and always picks up on my hints.) So that’s odd, then the other dreams, Someone is trying to steal my ring, and then my other dream that I had last night, Tony Soprano proposed to me. lol but he was super loving and really wanted to be with me. He had gotten me a ring that was half gold (which I hate gold!) and half platnum. It was actually a gorgeous ring, just the way the diamonds were set, made the gold beautiful. So I think maybe that dream was telling me that I really don’t give a shit about the ring anymore, I just want to be in a legally binding commitment. Now that I seem to have the trust back and he seems to be fully attentive to me. My heart hurts. 🙁 I need something more in my life. I love my two boys very much and I love Paul very much, I just feel like I’m so empty. I feel like I need someone or something to think of me and show me that I’m the most important thing in their life. My kids don’t count cause that’s a given. I mean in a romantic kind of way. I’ve always been faithful to Paul. I wish I knew the same were true for him for sure. I want to believe him so bad. I know how humans work though. So given the situation he put himself in, it’s hard for me to believe that nothing happened. Those texts were way to graphic and misleading to be "just friends" Ugh. 🙁 Anxiety  is back. damn you Stephanie…why do you do this to yourself. Just venting. …Just venting, It’s not healthy to hold all of this in. Seems like my friends are non exsistant. Only because I made them that way. I just became a hollow shell sitting alone in my hole. Anywho, I love you.