In my day

Well here I am in bed with my cutesy little lap top. Just waiting for Paul to wake up from downstairs. Ridiculous that we didn’t get to spend much time together even though he had a 4 day weekend. I mean REALLY? I feel like I didn’t get to see the children much either. At least I have two days off with them. Then it’s back to work for 4 whole days. Freaking crazy! For me anyhow. Haha.

I feel like a robot. You know, all empty inside who is programmed to do the same thing every day. It really sucks. I think Paul was right. I am depressed. I look happy on the outside most days. You’d never know that I feel like a big empty shell. I always feel like I’m missing a giant piece of me. Not only that, but I don’t really feel like a human. haha. I feel like I can’t relate to anyone but I’m a master of morphing and accepting things so much that I can easily disguise my awkwardness. Most of the time anyway. Maybe I really am from a different far away planet. Maybe that’s why I’m so in love/awe/infatuated with the universe. God damn it’s beautiful. If you asked me what the most beautiful thing to me was I would say the universe.

I feel like I’m going no where, when I’m going somewhere. I feel like I’m doing nothing, when I’m doing something. I feel like I’m feeling nothing when I’m feeling something. I feel like I see nothing when I’m looking at something. I know this isn’t normal. I’m just wondering if this is how other people are seeing things, or if it’s just me and few other messed up people. Like someone else is in my body and I’m just monitoring and partially making decisions. Where am I? I’m serious…where the hell am I? I’m so lost and confused. How could someone so lost understand enough to type this though? I don’t get it. Like a mindless zombie accurately typing out the way she feels with no direction or really any thought. I just…dont….understand.

Here’s to hoping I find my missing pieces.

Love you. Goodnight.