Bit weird coming back

So it seems open diary has come back to us when I most need it. When I most need the motivation, that is. There is a writers conference in June that I want to go to, but I really need to have some work prepared, and frankly finding the time to write, or rather the motivation, is difficult. Working in front of a computer for my day job all day doesn’t really inspire me to do so again when I get home at night. But I need to, so here goes some practice…

I started open diary when I was 20 years old. I am not the person I was then, I am so different now. It has been almost 15 years. I began writing here because I needed a safe place to vent my feelings after the loss of a friend. Writing was therapeutic to me then, and it is now. Looking back on that old work from the perspective I have now is truly enlightening, and very humbling (but also really cringe-worthy too…I was a little dramatic at times).

I am not broken anymore. I was, but I am not anymore. I know who I am, I know what I believe, and I know what I want to do, and what I have to do.

Boy this post is a rambler…

Looking back on my previous posts and my past in general, I see one of several paths I could have gone down, and I know I saw a few of them then too. But in me, maybe so far below the surface that even I did not realize it was there, was a strong sense of purpose and self that kept me on the path that led me here today.

I am not going to lie to any of you, I suffered from severe depression, suicidal thoughts, extremely low self esteem, terrible bullying, and truly a feeling 99% of the time that I was completely worthless, that no one cared about me, and that no one would even notice if I was gone. For those of you who experience these feelings, I need to tell you: You are not worthless, people DO care about you, and we would notice if you were gone. But probably the most important thing I need to tell you, IT GETS BETTER. You will always struggle with some of these feelings. Depression is a real disease, it is not “all in your head.” I still have symptoms to this day, but I am better. I got treatment and help. I learned the value of myself, and I really got to know myself. Do I still have highs and lows, yes, but I have learned to recognize them for what they are and I manage it. Is it something that will always be a part of my life, yes, but it does NOT control me or how I feel about myself anymore.

I ask you all, to please remember these things. Remember that it might seem like there is no hope or light or ending to the misery, but there is. Please seek help (professional or otherwise). Please keep trying. Please remember people do love you, and you do matter, and please remember to love yourself.

I know this will never be easy for any of you who suffer from these things, I would be lying to you if I said it was easy, but it is worth it. It is all worth it to keep fighting. And know, you are NOT alone.

Thank you to anyone who reads this, and if you don’t it is fine too. But if someone out there does read this, if someone out there is hurting and feels alone, I hope that this post helps you to realize and know, you are NOT alone, and you MATTER so much. If you need help, please reach out, I promise someone will be there. And another thing, sometimes it is easier to reach out to a stranger than to a close friend or family member, and there are many people out there who are ready to listen. DO NOT GIVE UP.