more religious because work,irritated,blah!

I am apparently becoming more religious because of work. I catch myself believing I work in hell. Some people view their selves as gods and I often catch myself preying that the stupid people will just go away! I often question if people are brought into my life to test me. I am often corrected by the said people believe they are gods for my "sins" (wrong doings.) I am told how to believe what to say my free will is limited. These test choose my reward is my paycheck or punishment job loss drowning in bills. I often come into work smiling and active through out the shift I can feel my personal happiness and energies slowly die. At the end of the shift I pray I make it out alive cussing as I run from my personal hell. I am a tad bit irritable tonight..can you tell?

 I worked from 9 to 3:30  with one bathroom break no 15 minute break. No food no water. I was working my register,pushing buggies,putting alarm tags on clothes answering questions. I was going to help a customer find a shirt when I told everyone to hold on I’d be back a male customer demanded me to service him or else. I told him he’d have to wait in line and I’d service him in front of everyone that comment made me feel like a prostitute. I told him if he wasnt willing to wait we had other people to attend to his needs.He walked up to Nicki and demanded her to service her. Nicki looked starteled while he said he didnt understand why I couldnt service him before everyone else that he was important. He demanded Nicki to service him. I know We are not important people in his life but I wonder how he’d feel if someone demanded him daughter to service them. I caught myself preying please God make the dumb people stop.

 I am tired of being everyones bank account and taxi. Some people in my life these so called friends have sucks me dry money wise and promise to someday pay me back. They keep bumming money and testing my patience knowing my bills are coming in and due to their loan I cannot pay my bills. I am worried they my electricity will be turned off an due to me being above borrowing myself I might just end up sitting in the dark. they people keep begging for more and more. I just dont have it. 🙁 I need to fix my car. I need new tires,new battery,gas,exhaust,breaks… the list goes on and on but I just cant because once again someone needs to get help. They dont give a shit about me as long as they get what they want. I want to pay my college loans but I dont know if I can because people needs to borrow just a few dollars more. I try to tell them no and they beg and blackmail me till they get their way.

 I was thinking of getting a second holiday job but I dont see the point if I will never have any time for myself. All these bills and yet I am not enough. There isnt enough hours in the day to do what I want. I want to spend time with my friends without me having to pay for their cigarettes using my gas to run them around to places I just dont give a damn about. I know I need new friends but these people are just broke in and comfortable now. I dont want to have to start over again. I just dont know what to do. I am thinking of just deleting all my numbers to removes the pains in the asses in my life. I just cant afford to save the day anymore! I just wish people would quit using me and start realizing that I am more than a bank account,a ride, or a sugar mama!

 I am exhausted I stayed up part of the night thinking how lonely I am and questioning the purpose of trying and attempting friendships if all they want to do is use me and take advantage of me. I am thinking of going to my house cranking up a radio and start scrubbing on my house. I cant live in my house the way it is anymore. MArtha Stewart would choke on her craft supplies to see my mess but the good news I am not as bad as the people on Hoarders. Watching Hoarders makes me realize thank god mine isnt that bad. It makes me feel dirty and motivates me to clean. I think I am going to take a nap first and tomorrow before work I might haul off some old furniture. I want to be better and motivation like Hoarder makes me scrub like an insane woman!

 There is a futon at work for $99. I was thinking of putting in layaway.My couch has seen better days and I wouldn’t mind to buy use so I wonder around flea markets/yard sales trying to see what I want. I keep hesitating to buy anything because well what if  I need something better>?

 I am think I am going to take a nap and do some laundry. I just wish I could get better motivated to better clean my house and make life better..night!