dad verbal abuse to much,found car…

 I am very frustrated right now. My car was wrecked over a month ago I have been getting driven to work by my father who thinks cussing me out and treating me like shit as a punishment for my car wreck on a daily basis is advisable. I have been crying on a regular basis. I cant handle his abuse much longer. It got so bad I went to my brother Toms for a few days. Talan stayed with me and grew very upset when I told him I needed to come home. He told me he doesnt like the way dad treats me. I told him its better to take it on head on and let him give me hell than take all his wrath 10 times worse later. Talan told me he doesnt understand I told him he doesnt have to understand. I feel bad that I have to live like this but I try everything I can to leave as peacefuly as possible as much as a challenge that it may be.

 I found a vehicle for $1,400. Even though its a van and its a 99 I want it. I miss driving myself around and having personal freedom. I told mom that I want to buy it  getting a loan. She told me no. I asked her to look at it she refused. Talan my boyfriend is thinking of getting it if I dont. I am afraid that if I buy the van without the approval of my family I will catch so much hell that I will never live it down. My family is verbaly abusive at times to me. I just want a normal life but as long as my father is alive I will never have it! I was going to get a personal loan to pay for it. My mom said she’d let me borrow the money but God knows if I get money from hell she will give me so much hell I will never live it down.

 I dont like how controlling my family is. I am not allowed to run water at night. I have to ask for permission to be allowed to go anywhere. I am not allowed to have people at my house without their permission and if they tell me the person has to leave I have to obey or they will evict me.  I am not allowed to have an opinion unless its their opinion. They help me pay my bills because I am simply not making enough to survive. If I stay out past midnight I have to sneak in like a criminal into my house as quitely at possible and I am often interrogated for my reason for staying out after midnight. I have to ask permission to live or even breathe. I often regret my life. I love my family but its irritating to have to tiptoe around my whole life.

 My family often scream at me if I get any large purchases and I cry out of frustration whenever I buy anything for myself because I have been guilt into believing I should never buy anything. If I buy groceries or anything I wait until after my family went to bed to sneak them in. I often eat at my parents house and I am debating whether to see if I can get some foodstamps to help me get by. I am simply not making enough and its frustrating. I catch myself asking for permission for any large purchases in the hope that they will not give me to much misery.

 I want this car so bad but I was told by my mother no. She said I should stay open to my options. I also have an option to walk too but I would much rather not. I want my personal freedom back. I appreciate being drove back and forth from work but I want some personal freedom. I want at least some control back! I want to be able to go to the library and do chores without fear of inconviencing others.

 I am debating whether to get the loan and just get it but I  fear they will never let me live this down. I know getting the car would help my life become a bit easier but my family will make it worse. I guess I am screwed no matter what. 🙁 I just wish I could find a way to make this work!