today wasnt so good..

 first, had only managed to grab an hours sleep. after i woke up i was wide fucking awake. still am. and its now 12.10am. 

second, was anxious about meeting with the case manager. i told her some stuff, and she was nice to me, i cried and told her that it seems that everytime i see her she makes me cry by compliments. and she said its cos i’m not used to them, and that its really sad that i am like that. i think thats one of my problems, if someone is nice to me i tend to cling a bit. usually never ends well.

thirrrrrd… had a fight with dad. blah blah blah.. big whoop.

foooooourth.. case manager is recommending me to go onto disability payments. i told her i didnt really want to cos i didnt want to get stuck on them for the rest of forever. she basically told me that i could just use the time i am on disability payments to go to counselling and such without the added stress of looking for work and shit, and once i am all sorted then i can get the fuck off them and work or study or whatever it is i want to do. so i am rethinking my negativity towards it. i’m the first to admit that i am beyond fucked up right now. and i really do need to talk to someone about the shit in my head.. friends help so much, and so does this diary, but i still feel like i hold back, cos i dont want to bother anyone that i tell or whoever reads this shit i write (possibly only three people, so i’m not causing too much damage)

fifth, i stepped foot in a dentist for the first time in a long time, bad i know, but i have a mahoosive phobia of dentists, no matter how many people tell me it isnt so bad. to me it is. so.. doing that is a big step for me.. only cause i have a wisdom tooth coming through and it hurts like fuck.

(yes i am swearing lots.. its okay, its just a phase)

uhhhh…. sixth…. i’m not sure, but there is something. just make something up and pretend its what happened.

seventh, bought two new shirts and shoes today. the shoes cost under five dollars. i dont know what happened there. they are nice shoes. the ones i have been wearing gave me insane blisters today. so effing painful.

i’m gonna stop counting, its pissing me off. i have a doctors appointment on thursday, at first it was just going to be about blood test results. but now i have to get a medical report to take to the appointment to see if i can get onto disability payments… this is where i’m a bit iffy. my doctor doesnt think i’m that bad. he just thinks i’m "sad" and that i’ll be okay soon… i got case manager (fuck it, her name is linda and she loves loves loves purple. i think she is pretty cool actually) wrote a letter to him for me to take. she said "he’ll understand what it means" i asked her if she could come with me to the appointment, cos i am a gigantic pussy and i need her support, i have this thing where i just start randomly crying happening lately. and unfortunately i cant seem to talk when i cry without sounding a little bit "special" if you know what i mean.. so i need her there..

i find it kinda sad that she tends to care about me more than my own parents. 

anyway. also at the doctors appointment i’m also going to ask for a referral to a psychologist, which linda said her agency will be able to pay for the first 6 sessions. which is good… but.. what happens after the 6 sessions? am i left to fend on my own again?

honestly.. i really dont know how the fuck i cope sometimes.. i really dont.