so… doctors today…

i feel confused..

i told him that my grandfather died about a month ago, and i dont feel like i’m coping. i told him exactly what has been going on in my head.

and he told me i was just sad about my grandfather..

well… shit..

i am sad about him yes. but this isnt a normal kind of sad for me, i am completely freaked out. i dont know what to do or who to talk to, especially now that my doctor just told me i was sad, and he cant do anything to help that only time will make me feel better.

such bullshit. i’m not sleeping, i’m hardly eating, i dont want to talk to anyone but i dont want to be left alone.

i hate this. i really do.

my dad took me to the doctor today, i was kind of hoping that it would just be me and him, but no. my sister decided to come as well. i was planning on talking to dad about things.. mum doesnt listen, my sister kept interrupting. i couldnt talk to him

so.. i’m still here.. crying.. and trying to not kill myself because i am not just sad. there is something wrong but no one that has the resources to help me out will actually listen.

(Neurosis)

HEY… I’ve been where you are. A few years ago my step-grandmother died and it was a really, really confusing time for me. I felt all the things you were feeling right now and even though everyone said that what I was feeling was normal, it just made me feel worse. I felt totally alienated because no one seemed to understand, and it made me crazy to be around people but at the same time I was

SO freakin sad that I did not want to be left alone. I kind of felt suicidal, but in retrospect I don’t think I would have ever gone through with killing myself, it was just this unbearable despair I was feeling inside. I loved my stepma (that’s what I called her), and it took a long time before I was able to accept her death as a normal part of age. She was sick for a long time

and the only thing that gave me any comfort at all and that actually helped me to grieve and move on were all the good memories we had together. I had to focus on all the laughter and the joy and the love that we shared. At first it made me cry to the point where I felt I would never stop. But then eventually the tears became “happy-tears” and I remembered her singing in her woman’s group

Joyful Noise

Random Reader: I had a close friend die several years ago and went to see a counselor a few times in the aftermath, because I was feeling sad, yes, but also very anxious, kind of manic, had lots of feelings of non-reality or like I was “losing my mind…” and one of the most powerful things for me was being handed a slip of paper (for billing purposes) that said, “Diagnosis: Bereavement.” …

…Just to know there was a name for it and other people experienced it as well made me feel a bit less freaked out. And as annoying as it is to hear right now, time does heal it 🙂

and the goofy faces she would made when she was onstage and she knew I was in the audience, eventually the good memories overpowered the feeling of loss and today I feel like she is still with me, in a healthy way, in a way that I cherish. I hope you find some peace. I know another person’s stories in your own time of need are often inadequate but perhaps you can find some solace in

my experience, and find your own way to heal. Much love <3

Holli

August 23, 2012

I’m sorry that you’re going through a rough time. I hope you find a way to get through it.

Just know that the offer stands 🙂

eagle-eyed-cherry

August 26, 2012

Random reader: Tell your dad you need to talk to him. And talk. We’re always “listening” here on OD as well.