O.o *edit*

 i realised today that i wasnt coping at all..

not a breakdown.. but almost. it feels like… its close. kinda.. i think

i am okay for the time being, i’m just really scared.

at least i realised before i lost it completely..

i was going to save it as just that.. but i felt like writing more. i dont know about what i just wanted to keep typing. the reason why i’m so scared, is because i feel like i want to hurt myself. alot.. and i’ve been panicking alot. everyone keeps telling me that the sadness will pass, and that i just have to be strong. i know from when my grandmother died that it wont pass. not anytime soon.. it took me a long time to stop crying for her. but i had support then, i had a fiance, i had friends. my mother and i got along.

this is my grandma with my cousins on my mums side of the familys kid. (my mums mum) she died 11th november 2007

i dont have a boyfriend or a fience, i dont have many local friends to go hang out with that i feel okay with telling them stuff like this, mum and i… well.. that just doesnt happen.

my dads side of the family doesnt understand me. it isnt their fault, it’s mine cos i find it really hard to talk about things. well, i’m like that with most people.. except for here. is it weird that i kinda feel safe here? well.. safe to talk about things like this. things i cant talk about witth anyone here. i feel guilty when i say i dont feel good to people. cos when i admit i dont feel good people show concern and stuff. it makes me feel like crawling into a hole until they go back to being their normal selves. i keep getting told "i’m sorry for your loss" and i really have no idea what to say. my pappy was old. he was sick. he couldnt fight anymore. he was tired. 

yeah i’m sad that he’s gone.. but i had him for 27 years. he was 87 when he died.. you know? three years off 90. thats.. a very long time. for 15 of those years he battled cancer. he had a kamikaze plane crash on his ship in ww2 which killed his gun crew and captain. he was in a motorbike accident. he saw alot. he LIVED. i dont feel sad that he’s dead. i just feel sad because i’ll miss him. and that my grandma is alone for the first time in 56 years. and my dad and aunts have no father anymore. and that my youngest two cousins never got to see pappy when he wasnt sick. 

i just… dont know..

this is a recent photo of two of my cousins and my pappy on my dads side of the family. you can see he was tired and not well. this isnt the pappy i grew up seeing but its the only photo i can get that is online at the moment..

we’ll miss you pappy..  11th july 2012