challenge for myself

i want to write. i want to write a decent entry for once. so i am challenging myself to do that. right now. i think the hardest part is figuring out where to begin. that has always been my problem with everything. i get good ideas, ideas so good that the people i share the idea with are all enthusiastic about it. but i never know how to kick it off. even something that sounds so simple like organising my bookcase can have me freeze up soon after pulling them all out. "should i group them all by size or put them in alphabetical order regardless of sizes?" i can never decide. just like planning an outing. "i want to go to this place, but who should i invite and what day should we go? do i have something nice enough to wear?" although part of me not wanting to go out these days is the fact that i am probably fatter than i have EVER been in my entire life. so i should really work on that. ha. "should i quit smoking before i start trying to lose weight? should i join a gym or start on the treadmill at home? should i get on the exercise bike on the nights i cant sleep?"

i started writing on this site when i was 15. my first diary is gone which i am fairly sad about. i had a few diaries that i followed, and a few diarists that followed me. i’m pretty sure i met my best friend from here. but i cant remember if i met her before or after i knew about her diary here. there is a chance i met her through something else. but anyway. i met her when i was 17. if i didnt meet her on here i started her writing here. i also got my then boyfriend to write here and my best friend and my boyfriend and my friend to write here also. and my housemate, and my housemates two friends. and i’m pretty sure my housemates ex girlfriend also. basically we created our real life network online also. i think i got a little freaked out about how all those people were able to read my thoughts now. so i moved to live journal i think. i still wrote here, but superficial things. eventually i stopped writing in livejournal cos the layout confused me, it seemed messy. and there didnt feel to be the communal feeling as there is here. i think i kept a paper diary at the time also. just in a notebook.

i dearly miss the people i had on that diary, and i sincerely hope they are well.

i did make a new diary after that diary got deleted. i only wrote a few entries in it though. i dont remember why i didnt keep it.

i originally made this diary as a way for my then boyfriend to know how i felt. cos i am ass backwards in expressing my feelings. turns out it didnt really matter to him, he never checked it, never logged in. and then i found out he cheated on me, then a few weeks after he broke up with me. so then this diary became just mine, i changed the password. 

i use this for me now. i dont think anyone i know in real life know about it. or if they do they dont bother reading it. i know i’ve given it to some people. but they havent asked me about things i’ve written in here, or created diaries to note, cos i dont think people can note in my diaries without an account. i’m not sure. i have a lot of people i enjoy reading now. and there are a few people that have me bookmarked but dont note as much, i dont blame them. most of what i have written is complete shit lol. there are a few people on here i care much for. 

i’m not good at keeping in contact with people. sometimes i just dont feel like writing. but here i am, still going. i dont just mean in writing, but in everything. i know i keep saying i’m not doing well and blah this and blah that. but in all seriousness, i’m really not doing okay right now. over the past month i have been constantly talking myself out of hurting myself, talking myself out of killing myself. and you know what, i’m going to keep telling myself that those thoughts are bullshit, and i dont need to do that. cos i have my diary to write in, and no matter how many times i feel that no one gives a shit, i know that there is someone, anyone, that might. and i just dont know that.

so this is me. this is my opendiary history. and this is me not giving up.