The echanted break-up 60+

Dear HC

You are receiving this after our talk on Thursday! I am typing this Wednesday night because I know there are things, I want you to know that probably won’t be said. My hope is that our ending conversation is/was amicable. Light begets light.

“Sigh” such a short lived whatever it was… maybe term it a budding romance. You must improve on your 8-week date plan. (kidding) I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I wanted it to work badly. too badly. It was a romantic serendipitous notion. (Same town, same circumstance, like passion) I am left with feelings that I have not felt in quite some time. I’m glad to know that intense feelings are still possible at my age. The tumultuous voracity of them is dizzying… literally.  I wanted you to know that for two reasons. You have the power to enchant at 70 years old.  You need to assess and reevaluate HOW and with whom you intend to share your enchantment.

We’ve talked at length about lies, which we both hate. There is a lie we have not discussed … the lie of perception. Manipulating dialogue/ talking points and the narrative to make a person think something is a way that you know it is not.  “I LOVE You, not like my family goodbyes… but love you” You lied. How many people you were seeing you lied about until this past week. Perception: I’m a one-woman man…then I’d encourage you to date however you continue to act as if it was not your nature-and I believed you… (I feel foolish as I write this) How deeply you are involved with these women has been deceptive…. I AM POSITIVE that you have had intimate contact. In one of intial conversations you promised to let me know before you became intimate with someone… You then led me to believe I was the only one you dated (I’ve kissed you and heard a soft moan and know you are a passionate man.) I cannot imagine you in a hotel room with a woman and doing nothing.

I bring these situations to your attention because you seem to struggle with forgiving the lies of your deceased spouse. Now you know. You know how you can want something you thought you didn’t, or you behave in a way you thought you wouldn’t with someone you didn’t imagine. You now know how you can manipulate or lie so that you don’t hurt someone you care for. The truth is difficult. It might cause you to lose them before you are sure of your direction. It does not mean one was better or worse. It does not mean that one is a winner (not team KC) or one is a loser. It means life put you in a situation where you could not fully live up to the *moral standards* you set for yourself. It hurts. You then should better understand how situations can occur and the most noble or honest way out is too difficult, and too hurtful …so the lie…the deception. Your spouse lied. It is just that- a lie- but it does not mean that her love for you was a lie. She loved you and spent forty years proving it.  In our case, Someone else is just  better suited for you- touches you differently. There was a knowing in me that said “he really does not know his own feelings. How he will really react in a situation when a woman he never knew he wanted…. never had the opportunity to explore shows up.” I knew in my being to not believe you, but I did. I wanted to. I wanted to believe your version of you. My feelings are waay deeper than I ever anticipated and I’m too far out in this ocean to find myself alone… so I’m swimming back to safety.

You did help me better define what I want. I do want a passionate monogamous romance. Recently I attended the funeral of a 69-year-old man who had been married this second time for 6 years. Everyone including his children (who weren’t too crazy about the new wife) described it as the great love of his life.  I think I want that. I want to grow old-er with someone and do it better the second time. More connection… seeing and being seen and loving each other anyway. I do thank you as these awakenings happened on your watch

My pettiness: Its intuition. I’m trusting to a point.                                                                          I knew about your Queen City love two weeks ago. I cried then. You had been to Charlotte once before and spoke with me as you were getting back in town. There was something awkward about it. Then you went again, and I thought it strange that we just lost communication. I wrote that I felt a distance between us. Thats when it hit me that maybe you were seeing other people and my heart started to break. Now Charlotte again this past weekend(Im guessing). On our last riding around town date you revealed how Sanford ave  in Fayetteville was nothing to the vibrant energy of Charlotte and let it slip about seeing the city from the Hyatt. Hyatt WOW!? Boy was that a comparison and I’m not talking about cities but how your feelings manifest. That was none of my buissness but now that I know I felt/feel like sloppy seconds. I put thought and effort into making our times together special… as we discussed Im a giver. I feel like my nature to give gets me little and I must figure out how to change that dynamic.

I am too old to be one of many in line for a mans heart. He must want my heart as well.

You understood that I was guarded but then something in me opened to you. I said I could not ever imagine not being your friend. You insisted your feelings were stronger and you did not want to be Just my friend. I agree.

I do send you light and love always

Blessings-KC