A little distance

Today I never called or wrote or sent a present to my sister who lives on the other side of the world to me.

I dont talk to her from one end of the year to the other and so when my mother remindes me that its her birthday and not to forget that it makes me feel bad. I have nothing in common with her and dont speak to her ever and so I feel hypocritical calling and wishing her a happy birthday.

I guess this distance for me all started when she asked her new friend in the new country where she went to live to be the god mother to her first daughter. That made me sad. I felt left out of her world.

I havent felt close to her since. I am the older sister but when you get to our age age doesnt really matter both of us being adults.

Nothing in me feels bad that I didnt call her or send her a present. I dont speak to her ever so it doesnt make sense to call and buy her a present. I know im older and so I should be calling her during the year but im on my own widowed with four kids and she married to a really wealthy guy and she has an amazing job. It hurts me that they dont call to see if I am doing on my own.

Yes it does.

I feel a little like retracting from all my friends for a little while.

Just to regather and reaccess and take some time to consider my life and those that are in it and that are important to me.

I feel a little guilty but my need to withdraw is stronger…..