Dependency

I never used to care what people thought about me. Looking back those were very liberating days. These days it seems that is all I am worried about. Perhaps it’s because of my recent past and current situation, and the constistancy of having to depend on so many people when I never had to before.

I love giving things, and lately people have had to give to me, their time, their patience, things like that. I hate it. I hate taking things. I hate feeling obligated and I hate having to constantly show my gratitude. Because I just want to be in a place where I can just be friends with people without feeling I owe them something, and have that weight on my shoulders. That the moment I screw up and feel their glare on my back and wince, knowing I cannot make it better, but they can hold it against me for as long as they like and there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot stand up to them or tell them to EASE up because how can I? I owe them everything.

I feel like a charity case. Sarah poor thing, can most likely sense my tension everyday. I just want her and  I to be OK, to be in a permanent home that’s OURS and not to feel constantly judged.  I know i’m a good mother. I don’t want to hear the snicker of someone and a little snide remark that I forgot to put socks on my child’s feet, and isnt’ she a big big for her age, or does she REALLY need to be wearing that many layers?

I feel like I can’t even establish a schedule or let her make too much noise, or really just BE with her until we get our own place.

I want someone to be on the same level with me and not offer advice on my situation but just….to relax with and forget stupid life.

I am constantly sick to my stomach with worry that i might step on someone’s toes and be called ungrateful. And I wish people would just learn to appreciate that I will forever be a clutzy, forgetful, quirky, unorganized person and that i’m ok with it so they should be too.