“O believe, my heart!”

Okay.

I am in the throes of an adolescent-style twitterpation.

It’s damned annoying.

My head, and even occasionally my heart, call out sternly to me to keep my bearings.

I better clarify immediately, seeing as it’s been a while since I’ve written in here.  This has nothing to do with Valentine-date guy.  That has sort of gone nowhere, due to the unfortunate incident where I was really sick with sinusitis and stood him up without meaning to, by sleeping right through the second date.  I did try finding out his contact information but I wasn’t able to find anything.  I hope he comes back to the store for more coffee at some point, so that I, or at least one of my colleagues, can tell him I didn’t mean to reject him.  I feel pretty awful about that.

Anyway.

I don’t really know what to say except that it feels very strange to be walking to work listening to music in my head that a certain fellow played for me over the phone, … or to come home and wonder if he e-mailed again, … or to inwardly giggle because he has … or to be just so pleased because he put a happy face at the end of his message and he had a good day …

On Sunday, during a phone conversation, I told him that he was like the son of the Mango and the Chou, sent from the future, because they were so sorry to see me alone … he thought that was hilarious.  (It occurs to me that the Mango used to say, pre-Chou, that what she was looking for in a man was "somebody like Music Shivers, but male" – have I been waiting for a masculine Mango without realizing it?)

But before I get too carried away here, I have to reiterate that strong warning feeling: I must keep my bearings.  This is all hugely fascinating, and even oddly healing, but the fact that it seems to revolve so much around how I feel makes me suspicious.  And, I have no idea if our fundamental values mesh yet.  We’re just getting to know each other.  So, caution.  I don’t want to hurt him or myself.

In the meantime, it’s nice to find someone who really thinks pinhole cameras are cool, and who might help me harvest better squash this year.

—

And, in other news, someone whose fundamental values do mesh with mine, but about whom I refused to think (since he had a girlfriend when I met him), is apparently single again now, and P1 and Asterope are teasing me about him.  Wouldn’t that be hilarious – Music Shivers has no luck for years and suddenly three guys are into her?  I’m not holding my breath.

—

And in OTHER news, I can’t believe I’m going to Montreal in … EIGHT DAYS!!!  I’m … I’m not even mentally prepared!  I just don’t believe it!!!  Just over a week of relaxation and GOING STARK RAVING LOONY with old friends and new … I need this very badly.

The Chou has arranged for me to give a mini-recital for his grandmother (an accomplished musician herself).  Suddenly I am scrambling to spiff up some pieces.  I need that very badly, too.

—

I walked home during that perfect blue time of day.  The sky was overcast but the wind was warm, and the river was contentedly gurgling to itself.
I sang "Happy, The End" – the innocence mission song that U might be listening to at this very moment, for all I know – I lent him some CDs last week.
And I thought to myself about that stern feeling I get now and then.
The Friar and I had an IM chat, a real, long, good one, for the first time.  It reaffirmed the fact that he does "mesh" with me more deeply than most people, that he is going to be around as a true blue friend, and that I have survived desire and come out the other side to plain old love.
So I walked home with three very different men in my mind – U and the Friar, both of whom, I would say, have met me on a more "real" plane; and the fellow who shall remain unchristened for now.
Wistfulness: To have that burning reality mixed with mutual desire.

Bah!  Suddenly thinking of The Purple Rose of Cairo and Cecilia talking about her new boyfriend: "He’s fictional, but you can’t have everything."