Depression Roars Its Ugly Head

Hi Friends,
 
Depression is something that I deal with on a daily basis.  This week has been extremely terrible. It started last week, well actually before that.

I am a member of the worship Team at my church.  Several months ago I had words with another pianist.  She told me that I wasn’t that great of a pianist and the congregation likes her and not me.  I was like: whatever.  But when she’s around the Pastor and Board members she’s all nicey nice.  That doesn’t go in my book. So on Easter she complained to the Pastor that I wasn’t nice. It wasn’t that I was mean or anything. It was that I didn’t speak to her and ignored her during the first service. I played on the Contemporary team at the 10:30am service.  She played the 8am Traditional service.

So last week I had to meet with the Pastor on Thursday and he told me I HAD to be nice to her and I HAD to love her.  I told him I couldn’t do it.  So, because I won’t comply with orders, then they are removing me from the roster.  This sent me into a HUGE Depressive state.

Then last Sunday I along with 12 others had to take a class called: Reducing The Risk at church.  I work with kids in the Crafts at CLC on Wednesday nights.  CLC=Christian Life Club. The class was about spotting potential abuse victims and keeping adults away from the kids if there is a potential for harm. We had to fill out all kinds of stuff including papers for a background check.

Well, guess who can’t work with the kids anymore? Me.  Why? Because I was a victim of rape as a child and they say that anyone who has had this happen too them could do it to a child.  They want me in counseling.  I am in counseling.  I am a RISK.  I could potentially harm a child without knowledge by words, inappropriate touching, etc..

That hurt really bad.  I can’t stand anyone getting hurt.

 Other stuff has happened too. Like someone from church offered to help me with groceries and medications, but wouldn’t do it unless I told her more than $50. She told the Pastor she felt used by me.  Like I don’t appreciate anything.   Not so.

With all this going on, my mind starts talking and it won’t shut up.  I drives me absolutely insane.

So her I am, another sleepless night..