Heavy Heart.

Lately, I’ve been walking around with a heavy heart.  It’s not any one event or thought that is weighing me down…more like guilt in general.  It keeps sneaking up on me like the nosy neighbor you can’t get rid of.  There have been many things I have done in my life that I am not proud of and that I don’t talk a lot about.  I’m not even certain anymore about how I define my self-worth.  I know I have been holding a lot in recently, and only the smallest things trigger my response mode, and it doesn’t always come out in a positive way and leaves a sour taste in my mouth…and hence, the cycle of guilt continues.  I want badly to be a good role model for my children, I want badly to be a good wife, and I want badly to be a consistent runner, and I want badly to be 20 lbs lighter before my trip to NY.  I also do not want to feel like that friend who always has drama consuming them, or that friend who no one goes out of their way to spend time with.  Guilt, guilt guilt.  I am surrounded by people most of the time, but I feel lonely because of the way my thoughts eat away at me.  I can’t stop eating.  This is not  happy existence to live.  My outer life is really not bad at all, it’s mostly when I am alone with my thoughts that the damage is done.  There’s nowhere to go but up, but I feel like a lead balloon.