The Journey
Hey all,
I ready don’t even know why I’m here, what to write, but seriously… I hit rock bottom, not addiction or anything, but psychologically , I’m ready messed up!
The fact that I’m being abused psychologically since i was a kid and thank God i was smart enough to realize that from the beginning, couldn’t prevent it , but didn’t make it take control of me , otherwise I’d be already dead long time ago!
I’m not thinking of suicide or anything, maybe someone other than me going through the same things, would have already did it!
When I got old , i realized that I’m ready f*cked up !
Started with an abusive mother , which always repeated that she loved me, but not to me , not to my face , never hugged me even , i remember many times asking her” so you love me” her answer was always no , joking or not joking, but a 7 or 10 yrs old child , he must listen to these words from his mother, but i didn’t receive any emotions for her… No good emotions actually.
Her sister and nephews were the ideal people i her eyes, although both of her nephews didn’t even finish college, and then worked as Police officers, and their sister was painter and even stopped that!
Me and my brother, he’s a mechanical engineer, and I’m a software engineer who got accepted in Microsoft when i was still in my second year in university). , But i understand that education doesn’t mean you’re better, but where I’m from, it means that.
In life in general, the three of them are not that successful in life in general but she always supported them , not me , not my older brother, she even underestimated any achievements we did even if it was very good and people were really amazed who we did that , for her it was nothing, and even tried to break my wings.
She even one time a had a little argue with my aunt ” her sister” , my mother immediately attacked me and even said to my face , i wish you were dead or die in an accident ” i had a sport motorcycle back then” , and kicked me out of the house!
I can remember one time i was a kid , maybe i was younger than 5 years I can’t understand how i even remember that ,we had a family gathering, and she had in her hand some kind of toy or an item , I can’t remember, and i kept calling her name , she just didn’t answer me, i thought that this toy or thing she is holding is controlling her or she can’t hear me because of it – kid’s imagination- so i got scared for her , so i kept calling her, she just turned around and slapped me and continued what she was doing.
Had an apartment i paid most of the amount and toke money from here as a loan because my money wasn’t enough, and we agreed on monthly payments with % , and suddenly my cousin wanted to get married , my mom just told me , I want all my money now , I won’t wait for you , i had to sell the apartment, lose lots of money just to give her her money back so she can give my cousin the money.. and btw , she gave him this money as a gift ))
Because of the lack of motherhood and the lack of attention, i started to smoke , drink , drugs … I was a good judo player btw and won lots of international championships.
I was just trying to fill the void, or in other word, escape the reality because everyone says the only genuine love you can ever get , is mother’s love… Very funny.
I left home.. not escaping but just to start life by my own, rented an apartment when i was 16, worked , paid for my education and university, and after all of that , I just left the country.
I did some psychological analysis, these scares that me have 3 main things
1- never trust anyone
2- searching for the missing love, that made me date older women… Yeah as there’s daddy’s issues, there are also mommy’s issues , and not only because of sex and so on , but the idea the emotions i could get from them
3- later one , white knight syndrome, will get to it and explain why and how i knew that.
She had cancer when i was still living in the country, then she survived , and then when i left the country, it came back even worse , i kept calling her or calling my cousins – because she left to live with them when she got sick- to check on her daily.
Mother’s day in our country is on the 21th of March, i called her , my cousin, she answered me and said sorry she doesn’t want to talk to you , i told her just tell her i called to wish her happy mother’s day, and the Flowers i sent to her later I knew she just didn’t care for it and told them threw them away.
She died on 14th of April same year….and i didn’t cry !, And didn’t go to the funeral!
I guess that’s it for today!!
So, the white knight syndrome:
The definition is :
White knights often have a history of loss, abandonment, trauma, or unrequited love. Many of them were deeply affected by the emotional or physical suffering of a caregiver.
So thanks to my mom, i realized that I got it , for you to understand the effect of it,
You try to save people, try to help them achieve their goals, help them to get their shit together.and it might be a good thing, but believe me, it isn’t…
For example, my last relationship, was with a girl, she was a webcam model, coming from a poor family which they got lucky that their relatives were rich and when these relatives died , they inherited 2 apartments, 2 boats , but in fact , they owned nothing.
Parents who are both alcoholics, a father was in jail for 2 years and a fine of 200,000 $ , on a salary 200$ a month, you do the math how long he will pay it.
A mother that thinks she’s the smartest person on earth, although she was sooooo stupid.
I dated that girl , i knew all of that , i said i don’t care , she has the weakest personality, she had to work since she was 16 to support her family.
When we met , she worked in a studio , they took more that 50% of her income ,worked for so many hours and days , it was more like slavery.
I helped her psychologically, told her you can work for yourself, i can help you with all of that, at first she attacked me for saying that, then she agreed,
I opened for her her own studio , bought with my money the instruments so she can work , showed her how is everything can be done , and yes , she started to earn well, i told her now since you earn , try to save up and maybe start a business for yourself , i got attacked again .
She had an apartment but the condition was soooo bad, she suggested to move to this apartment, and I agreed, i was paying for everything, food, bills, everything, although we told me a relationship should be equal and both parties should join , but she didn’t, or i just didn’t need to , but since the Russian Ukrainian operation started , for two months my income hit 0, when i asked her you said you would share the expenses, she just replied… I lied to you, i just wanted to look like a good person.
Before that , i made all the renovation in the apartment by my hand , with my money.
Her family was just angels with me , help us thanks you’re like a son and everything is ideally.lots of gifts for every one, she said the Always wished to have Labrador chocolate, i bought her one as a birthday gift))))
And suddenly out of no where , when she already knows how to work, have a renovated apartment , she just told me , I don’t want to continue the relationship, i asked her why, just answered that’s how i feel, the same say in the morning, everything was just fine, i even can say excellent .
That’s it for today….