Are you holding together even remotely alright?

One of my faves asked me that.  I hope she doesn’t mind that I posted it since it came in a private note.

Anyway, I’m really not.  I put on a happy face and I’m good at faking it.  But, like I told her, I’m just really fucking depressed.  When I have downtime at work, I have to try hard not to cry.  When I’m driving, especially at the end of the work day, I have to try not to cry.  At home, sometimes, too.

I’ve only let myself cry once since I came home.  Actually, I can’t even say that I let myself cry.  I just couldn’t stop myself.

I don’t want to bring anyone down (*sings*  into my miseryyyyy, so they can feel like I do.  Beneath everything.  *end singing*)  Anyway.  Lily starts crying when anyone even pretends to cry.  I don’t want to bum Brett out all the time – even though he wouldn’t be bummed, he’d be happy to talk to me or let me cry on him).  I can’t just start crying at work.  Maybe I just feel like crying in the worst situations.  I’m good at being emotionless.  Even better at being angry .  Sad isn’t something I want people to see.  Whenever anyone asks me how I’m doing or whatever, I just make a joke out of it.  I love my brother.  I don’t want people to think I don’t care because I make jokes.  I just don’t want to think about it.  I don’t want to cry.  I just want it to go away.

I felt guilty for having fun while my brother is dead for  bit there.  I think I’m coming around on that a little more now.

I’m off on Friday, but Lily is scheduled for daycare.  I’ll take the day alone to see if I can actually grieve a little.

But can I share some of the comments on his guest book with you?  I didn’t know that my brother had so many people that he made a difference to.  It really helps so much to know.

Michelle

I worked with Stefan for several years. Over those years he touched my heart in many ways. I know right now he is sitting there with a doughnut laughing at me!

Ron

Although I never met Stefan aka "Gilligan" in person, over the past 5 years we have become good friends. I not only enjoyed playing Halo with him on line but also enjoyed joking around with him. I’m going to miss him texting me almost everyday asking if I was getting on line to play the game and hearing his usual sign off when we would be finished playing for the night… Peace, Love & Waffle Grease.  (That was Stefan’s sign off for Halo.)

Randy

Def Smurf and I will miss you.You brought us a lot of laughs.

Sandy

I knew Stephan from working at The Fuel Express next to the waffle house. He was a nice guy and funny. He will be missed. Rest in peace my friend!

Brian

I never met him in person but was friends with him for years online. He was always polite and easy going and had a Huge sense of humor. It was a treat to come home and play with gilligan! He had us laughing so hard one day that game play was just not an option. Rest in peace buddy.

III Mr Boss III

Peace, love and waffle grease.
RIP gilliganj

margarita

I only knew him fm eating at waffle house, but he was polite and friendly.Sympathy goes out to his family,who lost a son and brother.RIP

There are so many more from friends and family.  But these stuck out to me.  Co-workers, internet buddies, customers, the lady from the gas station he bought cigarettes from.

Waffle House passed a card around to be signed.  Some of his regulars gave him tips and put them in the card.  I read it at breakfast with the family before we scattered the ashes.  It just touched me so much.  More than flowers and food and internet buddies sending condolences, even.  Customers.  Strangers outside of work.

Anyway, gonna start crying, so off I go.