you are what my heart needs
well i knew it.. and can even say i’m happy it happened. I got written up at work, two in fact. One for no call/no show and another one for calling out. If i call out within the next 30days i can be fired. Why does that make me happy? Maybe that they took notice that they sat down with me and pointed out the postives that i can barely see, like why i was picked and that they believe i can succeed. I mentioned i was thinking about stepping down, store mrger said i was past my 90days (training period) and she wouldnt accept a step down. Ok so it looks like i gotta get better or get another job. At least i know my choices and i hope i can get better. In some ways, i can work better when trying to prove someone wrong. Tonight is gonna be tough though, i’m worried about it. This is the first week we moved the schedule back to 10-4am… can we really be done by 4am? Ugh…it will be a test night i guess. So i finally worked a full week, last week. I gotta keep it up.
I made M a key and he didnt want it, its been sitting on my desk for a week or so. Friday he finally took it with him and when i got home saterday morning he was asleep in my bed. I love that more then i can even put into words. I ended up staying much later then i had wanted, everyone talking my ear off when i just wanted to leave. I got home after eight in the morning, quietly put down my things and jumped in the shower, wanted to feel clean. Put my nightshirt on and crawled into bed next to my sweetheart. It makes me feel proud, loved…like i have a purpose, to come home to him. We made love, full of kisses. Physical mixed with my emotions….it was amazing..perfect. Do you have any idea how much i love you? Even thought i still cant even say why myself…maybe thats how real love is, too strong of feelings to be defined thru words. I love you because its what my heart needs and wants, and i trust that more then my mind.
My issues, my moods been off this weekend. Caught up in the stupid little shit, worried about work. I got annoyed when i was following you. Why? Cause i dont drive like you, which really is okay. But i dont want to have to keep up and i also hate being left behind. Call and say.. hey sweetie i’m gonna play in traffic you dont need to follow, and dont pick on me when i cant keep up. Worried i was going to the hobby shop i know it was a new place to drive to and that you wanted to make sure i would get there okay, i understand this. I like your concern, i guess in the situation it just made me feel unsure of myself..when i said i could find my way. I’m sorry. And yes i really did want you to lay down with me, not because you were tired..but just because you wanted to be next to me. And is it selfish to say i wanted you next to me to cuddle up to. I’m glad you got your toys put together and working. Dont pick on me for my sleep. One night i had off and i slept and you worked and you came here in the morning and slept….no i wasnt tired but i layed with you most of the day anyway, just because i wanted to be where you were, close. I just got in a funky mood this weekend i guess. I know i have a hard time talking.. i know… I guess i just got disappointed in myself for wanting you to do something. I dont want to be like that and it makes me sad. I’m not mad at you your reasons are worthy, i’m mad at me for being selfish. I’m hoping at least by writing it out you will be able to understand, know what i feel…when i cant say it.
I want my Rustler to fly… i just dont know if i can control it, hehe. I want my windows tinted on my car. Maybe with income tax i can do this and save the rest. Need to ease up on the CC use and go grocery shopping for more then just a meal or two. Clean my room and get quarters for laundry, run to the bank. I’m happy we have tue/sat off again together this week…. Sleep with me please baby…i love laying in your arms.