worthless

up then down

i feel awkward in my body, gazing in reflections trying to figure out what i have become. its the type of state where i want to pull my skin tight and run a razor over it just to see there is something inside. to cut what though…numbness..pain…or i just want to see myself punished. i dont wanna fucking feel like this, worthless. i dont know how to explain myself. am i choosing this?  do i wake up and decide im going to feel sad? you can wake up and decide to be happy.. i believe..put a postive spin on things.  What bout being sad?  What if you dont make a choice what to feel…do you just end up in default mode?  i’m sad and i wanna have sex..what does that mean?  Use it as a pick-me-up, to feel better.  Or will it just leave me feeling a bit more quiet. sex in place of talking. or is it just bout wanting to be used.  you get what you want from me but what do i get?  my head is all over the place at the moment. i feel like im becoming disconnected….probably due to the lack of work.  and probably because the only way i have a voice in on this page….my silents hurts every part of me.  and when i have something to say, when i want to add my input or voice a feeling, i say it ten different ways in my head and none sound right. i cant seem to match up my meaning with my tone of voice.  i want to say something serious and it comes out all stupid.. i want to ask you something and it comes out with a bitchy tone it didnt have in my  head. i might yell if im sad/upset but you take it as i could be mad with you and you want to get away when i just want to be heard. its messed up how it doesnt match up, probably cause i overthink it all. damn these tears the fucking up and down emotions that play me everyday.  you’d say your in control of how you feel….i think u’d be tough on me for being sad as if its a stupid reason for anything. cause u arent ever bothered….im oppsite …and i understand its hard to see the other side. i need to go wash this crap feeling off…..and hide the tears…