unsettled ground

i applied at walmart today which i have put off for awhile now. I like my life yet i cant afford it. With my job at radio shack i’m not making what i use to and its hurting me, i’m getting into debt and unable to save anything. I need to move and i cant do that without a second job without saving and preparing for it.  I fear a second job with be the beginning of the end for my happiness, my smile.

I wont be around M that much which anymore. I fear so much i loosen my hold on my love and he remembers how much he loves being around his family. And one day he decided i’m too busy and they are too important and he doesnt come back to me anymore. I dont stand a chance next to them, a place he feels he belongs and is home. I’m just a bump in the road and he needs to get rid of.  I forsee it he’s going to leave me.  I can tell already he hates the choice hates the idea but he knows its right thing to do. Conflicted between a life with me and a life with them… i know i lose in the end.

He doesnt know how to live a life without me in it, i’ve become such a brick he needs. Needs? What happens if i’m not in his life. He goes back to them and smiles again and isnt conflicted yet worries about me. That i have nobody here who cares rather i’m doing okay, no family, no friends. Become completely drawn in and he fears a man that will show me attention and just hurt/use me because i’m too nice, easy to take advanage of.  I think he says i’ll find someone else to make himself feel better. His ex wants him back badly and is ready to hurt his girlfriend if she finds out who that is. Me.

we could be meant for each other
and he could just walk away
I cant be your friend
when i’m in love with you

I have to take care of me because i know he won’t. A second job will be my end, 3rd shift no more nights with him. You see it too and moving away. Break my attachment my caring what happens to your little boy. Thats one reason why i’ve been putting this off, the job, because i dont want to make it harder on you driving and i know if u have to drive u just wont you will leave and it will be my fault.  My choice money or him…..but whois gonna take care of me?  I’m giving up my time and that result will lead to my downfall. i need a place to live to take care of myself and im wishing to god you wont leave me because of it.

You go to work and i cry because i know one day you wont come back, you will go home, and i will just have been a mistake. I give you everything i can and try and would do whatever to make you happy and i dont even know if you will be my boyfriend next month. I’m commited to something your not… that hurts me.

i love you too much