the light

 

Something impressive happened today, just one more in a string of conversations that are changing me. You dont see it yet and i understand this, but i am thinking and right now its still all on the inside of me. Please God give me time to heal. I dont want to end up on my own and i dont want to lose someone else i love for the wrong reasons.

How can i say, i dont believe IN God. At the same time saying I believe God exists. And rolling that idea around in my head today just didnt fit at all.. how i can i not believe in something i believe is there. I was trying to explain it and even my own answers sounded confusing. I dont know what to think. Is there a God, Yes. Do I take this God as my own, No. 

No thats not the impressive thing

Today i got upset/emotional about something stupid you said. Over reacting and going down and sitting in the car, tears in my eyes. Why?  You sat with me and talked adding to my tears, upsetting, but yes i listened. I heard you. I dont know how to control my feelings. I blow up for the smallest of reasons. I try to reason this with because i’ve stopped cutting. That when i was hurting myself i wasnt this overblowin with every issue, i held it in knowing i could release it with a slice in my skin. Saying i believed but soon knew it was only an excuse trying to say my reaction was justified. It wasnt. My next line of reasoning was because when i was younger everything was so locked up, i held it all in for so long when i needed to scream. Making it like a flood gate now that i cant control. Another reason..another excuse.  Why was I over reacting?  Why does everything that hurts me jumps directly to my past for my explaination. I’m me because my daddy hurt me.  No, I better then that arent i?  Why does he get so much power to hold. I’m this way because i never learned how to solve emotional problems. I never learned how to use my voice. My mind turned sick and i believed every negative thing and it ate at me. Its not his fault I’m like this. He might have served as a trigger to my pain..but i’ve continued to feed it myself. I’m pouring fuel on a flame that would have long ago went out on its own. If you offend me, and that is so easy to do, i let it upset me. I let that happen becuase i believe your words fuel me, my self hate. And today i thought i wish there was someone i could talk with to help me sort this shit out in my mind to help me learn how to do those things that somehow passed me by.

Impressive because i had a ton of thoughts running thru my head and you sat with me and i listened to you, and for a first i felt better. I felt like a conversation that taken place. It might not have solved anything but i can admit i was wrong. I talked thru something, i dont think i’ve done that before came out of a conversation and realized the issue was done/gone.   I know i brought you down and you question if i’m worth this headache.

I want you to know, i might not be worth it yet….but i will be.

I would do anything for you, and you ask me to do the hardest thing in the world for me. I love you and i know why you say that i dont. True love, wait you’ll see your having such an impression on me. You told me i have to love myself first before i could love someone else. Now i’ve been quick to dismiss this so many times in the past thinking this was just crap. Yet here is something age has taught me….this matters a lot. Not just for the fact that you can trust me to be by myself and be alright. I know you want the best for me even thought i seem to fight it a lot. If i can’t see my worth then i’m not going to be my best.  Not just my best for you; but for kids and life. I dont want to just accept living for someone else, what pressure that must be for you. I want to learn to live for me, my life and my happiness matters. When i know i dont need you to be me, i’ll have my freedom to be with you, two as one. Not just one living for one, i understand.

I need to heal, i need to be alright just being me. I’m not letting you disappear

I control my feelings… they dont control me. <— repeat daily

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