+ test results

March 22 was the first test that i didnt believe so i bought another the following day and redid it, same result. A pink + clearly in the little window. I accepted it and didnt bother spending more money for more tests. But even now it hasnt really hit me yet that I’m Pregnant. A baby? Me? I spent so much time trying to tell myself i’d never have that. I did a little searching on the net to look up obgyn in the area. I found a place close to my work (easier to get to appts) and called to set up an appt. They scheduled it for April 1st 10am.

But i yet didnt know how to tell M about it. I finally got up the courage to mutter the words on March 30th, a week after the test. We were laying in bed, he was ready to go to sleep and i was having a hard time trying to spit it out. He was half falling asleep when i said "im pregnant" he heard me and asked "your joking, right?" No i’m not joking – he asked how i knew i said i took the test, its then that he sighed and it struck him. I asked him to go with me to my appt and made him promise me he wouldnt tell anyone else. We fell asleep.

My appointment was nothing, i was worried i’ve never been examed before and didnt know what to expect. But I filled out some papers, pee’d in a cup and they took my weight, blood pressure. The doc came in a lady (which i had requested) and asked me if i’d been sick. I told her my last period started on feb 12th. She used the chart and said i was 6weeks 5days due Nov 19th. Which I have already looked up on the internet. Then we went to her office and she explained a few tests that was done in the first 12weeks and when they would be done if i choose to have them. She told me there is a 20% change of miscarriage, which i am very afraid of. She said after the first ultrasound the risk goes down to 3% and after week 12 its gone completely. She gave me some vitiams, which are HUGE..ugh. And wrote a scribe to cover me for the whole time. And that was it, maybe 30mins we were there. I dont know what i expected, but i wanted them to say yes u are pregnant, to confirm i guess. Its happening no matter how many ppl i have tell me its real.

So i have another appt on April 13th for a full pelvic exam and ultrasound, the excitement over the U/S is keeping me from overthinking the exam. I have to go and have blood work done sometime before that date. I figure after that doc appt i will start telling people, i’ll have a pic to show! And plus the miscarriage rate goes WAY down. Thats my biggest worry with telling family that i’ll have to hear ‘sorry’ if something goes wrong. I’m trying to think of a special way to tell my mother, since she doesnt live around here. I joined a baby forum for Nov 2010. The idea i like from there was to mail a oneies with grandma’s angel or something cute on it with the ultra sound pic and let her open it in the mail, instead of just saying in on the phone. Either way she is gonna start crying i know it, so i’d rather her do that off the phone, hehe. Then she can call and ask me bout the package.

Ugh please God dont let me be living here (with his parents) when the baby comes. I told M that, that we have to be somewhere else by then. I do NOT want to bring home baby to someplace thats not home at all. I want to be able to have baby stuff and room for it to be out and the peace and quiet of not having his sisters and mother and everyone telling me what i should be doing. I want it to be just us and even though that built in babysitter is nice i wanna do without it. My baby stays with me.

I’m having a baby. wow

On a good front, M started working again last night his first night. Overnights same job as before but a new store. Great timing we need to get extra money to get outta here. And then i think – i’m going to have to go back to work shortly after i give birth. 🙁 We cant afford to give up my income bills are just too high. I dont know how i feel bout that yet. I know that i want to take a few weeks off and it will be right around black friday/xmas season which will be awlful timing for my boss(not sure when i’m gonna spill that news either) I dont want to work 6days a week 55hours and be so exhusted that i wont have time to absorb our new joy. Whats going to happen? M says he’ll be getting more hours by then and can take care of the family (that he did it before when his son was born taking on the full load) but i dont believe him. I’ve never seen him do what is required always what he wants. Maybe i can step down? But i dont want to go backward that will look bad on resume. Step down be a fulltimer 35hours a week and 2days off and still have time to enjoy. M says i should go to school and i would consider that but wheres the money for that?

Jr is gonna be a big brother, i sure hope he is around to enjoy it. I wonder how that will be as well he is such a baby at times craves all attention and acts so spoiled. He is almost 5, time to be a little boy not a baby for him. To be replaced as the baby i wonder if that will make him angry.

I’m gonna be a mommy.

God please let it stick and turn out wonderful. I wonder what our bi-racial child will look like, a boy/girl? And not a single idea about names yet. Its too soon really. Just hold on till week 12, when we know its going to real. May 8th, I hope its a good mothers day.

M’s happy with the idea, worried about the $$ but i think the shock is starting to wear off and its becoming real for him. I’m glad he’s happy with it. I am afraid to be excited yet. It will come. Week by week. I’ve never count months, days, seasons by week until now.