smiles

I went to see my family over the weekend. It was good to  be barefoot and playing with the kids.. country life. Seems like there at least i can take just that extra min to enjoy being alive, i close my eyes and happy i’m from a little town in PA yet also happy that i dont live there. Its different being able to kick off my shoes and relax around family,  but if it was everyday it would lose the getaway feeling. The kids are growing up so much and sadly my grandparents are getting older, yet still pretty busy.  I went to Taylor’s T-Ball game..that was so cute. The girls helped me clean my car and was just around the yard on saterday. I needed that.. i did… even though the drive killed my back.

I felt bad that you had to stay inside all weekend, i took your way of getting around. I know your not a house person and here you spent all weekend alone stuck inside. I’m surprised you didnt call me more, maybe you were trying not to bother me. Maybe next time you will come with me, my family wants to meet you. Its weird when they talked about you and your son.  Saying like i have a kid now and the girls saying ‘your baby’ they have accepted something that wasnt quite given. Then also adding things like… well in a couple years.. and if you get married…Yes i admit i like hearing those things it makes me smile at the same time i’m thinking those thoughts belong to me why are they in my family’s head and WHY is my family talking like we will always be together.   Yes i wish this, but they havent even meet you..boy my mother must have got to talking about how nice you are, hehe.  Maybe i shouldnt share so much with my mother..it seems as if she tells grandma everything. Yet that is my family… all about the kids and they want to see me happy..which to them probably includes being married and having my own children.  Yeah that is my happyness.  Shhh wanna know a secret….i dont want a job.. i like having him everyday. 

When i parked my car and you walked up, i stumbled out of the door and saw your smile i felt so happy i didnt wanna let you go. i missed you so much, i tried not to think bout it while i was there. I love you so damn much, being around you is heaven.  I have tears now just thinking…. I am happy….  this is what happy is.   So why do i spend so much damn time taking away from the peace filling it up with tons of bullshit when i could be feeling like this. I want something better then tomorrows not here yet… if you cant make a plan..dont u at least have hope for something?  Or am i just too big a dreamer to realize there are people out there that don’t. Whats gonna happen with moving?

I love you
and if this
for some reason
isnt going to last
then let me live today
over and over
because i cannot
let go of you