matched souls

No frowns today, i seem to only share my sad times here which i’m afraid gives me a bad light for anyone who might read. So today i’m happy and writting.

He said the most sweetest things to me the other night, so swee that i’m afraid if i ask him again it could be different. Afraid the whispered words might have regret if respoken. But i heard and its beautiful. He know i would like to have a child at some point and i know he doesnt want any more.  I’ve been coming to terms with giving up motherhood, because yes i care that much about him. I think about it too much and i do get sad, i’ve always wanted a baby.  He’s always talked bout family and kids is something he held with his ex and its as if he wouldnt dare make that mistake again. He never thought of me and him in any sorta of family unit.  But he admitted he had been thinking about it, he admitted he wouldnt mind starting a family with me, trying again to make the dreams he wanted hold true.  Said he wanted to get a job so if my belly gets big he can take care of me, that he thinks him and i could work thru whatever might come our way and he wonders what our kid would look like.  I had tears, happy non-crying, tears on my face as he talked into the dark. I’m afraid to believe it though, when i’ve spent all this time convicing myself it wasnt ever gonna happen for me. It really shows me how much he cares and is considering what i want. He said he wants to keep me happy/smiling.  I’m so in love its sicking to people who arent, hehe.  It took us awhile to get to this point where he is considering me as his future, i’ve gone thru So Much with him, but see it was worth it.  I know i’m lucky to have him, and he’s lucky to have me.

Work is changing, i’ve been managing the same store for over a year now and i was offering a different location. Which also comes with a raise and a new crew and issues/problems. I’m getting bored in the store i’m in, but i’m very comfy. My man can come hang out and my staff really respects me, everyone gets along. Its taken me awhile to get to that point but i feel i cant just stay stuck in the lower store. I need to try something new, clean up store that needs help only proble is its my bosses home store, so his office is there which worries me sorta. I’ll have to wait and see what happens, hope i dont get too stressed. I’m gonna really miss my store, probably gonna still hang out with some of the ppl. At least now i wont feel "wrong" for seeing them outside of work, cause i wont be their direct boss anymore. Changes are taking place for sure.

I wonder if i’ll have a baby in like a year or two..nothing right away, i cant afford a child in my given state. I’m still not getting my hopes up about it, if it happens then wonderful.. but i cant count on something and just be crushed.

Oh i also joined a local gym, i’ve gained weight my man makes good food!  I can take a guest anytime i want so we are going together so far, just started but if i can go two/three times a week i think it will  be at least worth the cost. I cancelled my HBO so i could join. I want to be healthy..thinner yes but just more engery, feel better about myself.  Been doing a lot of trademill, i’m not sure how to use everything i’ll have to go on my day off during the assigned times that they teach ya.

So i’m not all sad.  I’m very content with my life right now, i’ve learned to only think a week ahead, instead of dreaming into the future and wonder what will happen, now i just enjoy the daily stuff.

Given a kiss
took a smile
before i realized
I was in denial
I loved you as my own
matched souls