logic and passion

I need to write this down while its all still fresh in my mind.

I miss you and i figured out why. I miss you when you here with me, when my hand touches yours. I try and fool myself saying well as long as you are here, in the house, i’m better. Which to some part is true i like being around you. Yet having you under the same roof when I can’t talk to you, its like your not here. I busy myself while you play on the computer. I play with Jr and make lunch and try to gain some attention but its all lost sometimes. Its something thats been itching at my insides and i couldnt quite figure out what it was. I want to be heard, conversation, when my feeling good/bad i want to be able to share with you and i havent been. Because i’m learning your reactions to my feelings that your using my words against me and i cant ask for what i want. I’m afraid to ask for what i want because i’m going to come off demanding and you will just walk away. My fear is straggling me. I require more reassurance then your giving. I need to know i can count on you. Do you see them, my walls, they are going back up and i’m causing it. I’m putting myself back in the cage and i cant stand that. There are people who believe something and dont care what others think they are sticking to their ideas… I’m not one of those people. When you say you want to hear my opinion and in the next breathe say what i think doesnt matter because i’m not coming from the same place. I feel like your holding everything against me.. my age and my color and my simple country life, that i’m stupid. That i dont know the real world, as if this world that has always been around me isnt real enough for you. I want to talk, and yes there are lots of things i dont know about.. i know different things then you do. Which makes our ideas and views quite different. It doesnt bother me that we dont agree. It FEELS like if i say i dont want to spank my kids and you think children should have that type of discipline you try and outweigh me. As soon as the words come out of my mouth you are on the defense pushing your ideas again. I dont know what will happen if i ever have children. I’m not a parent and i dont have first hand knowledge. I want to know you heard me without trying to change what i might think. Like i try to do with you. Yes i understand thats how you feel, how you see things and what your experience has taught you. Now this is what i think. We are always going to have different opinions, this is part of why i do like when you share what you think with me because i see another side, something i wouldnt have known before. Maybe you should be more open to my eyes too. You never called back to finish our conversation, i’m sure its because you were annoyed with me. Or maybe thats just me being too selfish again.. you got caught up doing other things. It upsets me greatly when i ask where you are and what your doing and you refuse to answer, as if being in love with you doesnt grant me access into your life. I feel shutout by you. I cry because i know this is how derek and i went all wrong. Because i stopped talking when he asked what was wrong. I think why does it matter when i know your reaction. If i say i wanted you to spend time with me, you’ll say well im here in the house like u said you wanted.. and the point is lost.. your using my words against me. Unlike you, i dont have strong opinion about a lot of things, in fact i’m just starting to form views on some things on my own, without influence. Which is fragile for me, to learn myself and to figure out what I think. Not what my mother thinks or what my father use to do or what views derek has. Because most of what i thought i believe is just because i was agreeing with derek, its kinda new for me to have my own (different from derek) ideas. So please let me have that without pushing yours on me. i have so much in my head and sometimes i FEEL like you dont wanna hear it. And if you do want to listen i have to know your not just going to blame me, my worries as extreme as they are sometimes they diminish so much once said. Because when i just hold it all inside it grows darker. I’ve done this before and i do not want to go down that road with you. I’ve never had my color held against me, are you trying to make me know what it feels like? I get it, its unfair when you judge me, assume what i think just because i’m white.. or country for that matter. I dont even begin to think your opinions are formed because of your color or where you live, i think your you decide things from experience, everything gathered. Yes i know my fears are outrageous, but its your job to listen and tell me not to worry and say you care. That is what i want.. i dont want you to say i’m crazy and feed into my worries even more. Okay? And your going to say that, that is who you are that your honest tell it like it is. Again i have nothing to come back with… to tell you to try and be more careful with your words..that i’m sensitive (too much so) when im upset will just equal me wanting something from you. In which i dont think its my place. I take what i get and dont ask for anything else thats probably why i get so unhappy. I cant talk about what i want when it comes to sex what i like or dont. Its so hard for me to find my voice sometimes and i realize you do not understand what that is like or how difficult it is. So you brush it off and move past the question instead of being patient. Don’t you notice the walls?? And when you read this i want you to talk to me about it instead of just taking it in and clicking back to paltalk. I want to know what you think about what you read in my diary. Do you feel like an Us? Because i don’t, there is you and then me. We are a couple….hmm couple…where..where are we a couple..here inside my bedroom..is that all? Do you even know i’m much i am afraid when i get working again that i’ll never see you. That i’ll end up working some day shift, the only time that we have together right now…and i wont see you anymore. And if i tell you, your going to say we’ll work something out.. but you dont ever make a plan to see me. And just so you know the day you told me you werent coming to see me i felt so much better then every other day that i sit endlessly waiting to hear you walk in the front door. Because at least i knew.. i could go out of the house i could get things done that i wouldnt somehow by being out miss the chance to spend time with you. I think sometimes today im gonna get up go out.. do whatever…but then i think what if u want to come here or worst yet i say i’m doing something so then u decide not to come because of it. I over think it because i have too much time on my hands. I want you to put my fears to rest dont tell me how stupid they are. I know what my downfall is, i get too committed to the person i love. I want to be the person you confide in.

I love you

PS- these were the things i thought when u told me you were driving around with that; where did you get it; was it still in your car; what would it be like if i used it on me. But you assumed my thoughts.

One side of me is very logical, this side views the public and its on the outside
One side of me is very passionate, this side holds my love and logic is thrown out