life as mommy
My little one is already 5months old time has gone so fast.
When i returned to work on Jan 24th I made a choice to work shorter days at work but doing so required me to work 7 days a week. I worked everyday for about 2months straight before i took my first full day off. I’m not being quite so strick with it now i take 2 days off a month now, i just get soo tired to need recharge time. I make this choice and my boss was okay with it, it was mainly driven by breastfeeding. I breastfeed when i’m home and pump when i’m at work. My life is spent washing the pump parts and bottles daily to be ready for the next day at work. I enjoy BFeeding, its our time. He’s only had momma milk since he was born and that i’m proud of. He’s growing sooo quick and already into 6-9months for most stuff, he is just soo tall. He is almost outgrown the infant carseat. I’ve been researching a new seat but its such a hard thing to pick, i want to get 2 one of me and my husband’s car he doesnt understand and thinks its a waste to have two, i think its will be a pain with just one. I love my baby so much i feel so bad all the time i spend away from him. He sleeps with me at night (most nights M’s at work anyway) i love being close to him and I’ve spoiled him with that. He spends his days with daddy playing while i’m working then we switch shifts and i take care of him while M catches a nap and then goes to work. Thats how its been since i’ve went back to work. M doesnt really like the co-sleeping but doesnt say too much directly to tell me not to. The baby goes to bed around 10:30-11pm when I do, he is alot like me he is wide awake in the evening and thats how i prefer it, so then i get to spend awake time with him. He sleeps in the morning late so M can catch a nap when he comes home. I love my baby I never want to put him down, which i know i’ll regrate later.
I miss my husband, we are on oppsite shifts and sometimes barely have any time together. I miss who i use to be with him, how i would take time to do little things that made him feel special. Its not that i dont care its just i dont want to put down the baby long enough to tend to my husband. I’m still being a bad wife.
I’m a different person now that i’m a mommy. I miss who i was before the worry. In the mins i find to see my husband and its quiet i dont know what to say, i dont know the cause and such dont know how to fix it. But it makes me sad and my tears fall when i look at him because i’m not happy. I’m worried all the time, soo stressed out about scheduling our lives and trying to be a good mommy and trying to not get fired (which i know is coming) trying to pay all the bills. I just never can figure out what to make for dinner and since i’ve been soo weighed down with this worry i hate cooking. I’ve lost touch with anything sexual about myself and M feels like its something he’s doing wrong. I have no desire which is a complete 180 from what i was even a week before giving birth. It takes such effort to get turned on and so much longer then it ever use to. Please tell me this part gets back to normal at some point.
My stepson will be good for two weeks then go thru a week of "i hate you" "wish daddy would have never married you" He is a very emotional, angry, quick-tempered 6 year old. Who doesnt give a shit to most of what i say. Which causes M and I to disagree because we can’t seem to get along.
I miss my husband 🙁 I wish he even cared how stressed out i am, tried to make it better understand it the things that bother me or important to me and not just stupid waste of time. There is so much space growing between us, and i’m so sad.