L&D of my son

So two unexpected things, 1 i had to have a c-section and 2 i wasnt prepared for the emtional side.
 
I  was induced due to low fluid around the baby. His heartrate was dropping low when i was having hard contractions and it was causing a big reaction with the docs and nursing looking after me. I went into the hospital at 930pm on monday 11/22, we dropped Jr off to M’s mothers and we were expected. I had an appt that afternoon 430pm and they listened to the heart and did an ultra sound they said i didnt to go into that night which was shocking to me, thats not what i had wanted. I didnt want to do the whole thing in the hospital i didnt want to be induced, but its what was best. When i got to the hospital it went very fast, outta my clothes and hooked up to the monitor, 2 one to track contractions and one to track heart beat both were on my belly. The heartrate wasnt steady right to start and they didnt want to start the PIT until it settled down a little. I was having contractions but didnt feel them at that point. They gave me an IV and I had to wear an air mask. My OB came in to check on me at 11pm and the heart was calm they started the PIT then. M fell asleep not long after we got there and slept on/off thru out the night. He slept thru the worse of my pain, as i remember. They wanted a more accurate reading of the heartbeat so they put an internal monitor on the baby’s head, that was very uncomfy and had me breathing hard. I was only 2cm, I believe that was around midnight. Sometime during the night when the contractions were coming hard and all i remember is gripping the bedrail and breathing with my eyes closed the baby’s heartrate was dropping low, the nurse wasnt leaving the room and the on call OB was called in to place another internal clip to the baby for the contractions. Her i remember very well i believe it was around 330/4am and i hated her, I was getting thru my pain but what she did i couldnt stand. It hurt so fucking bad, that was my worse pain. When she was pushing into me it felt like i was being ripped apart. I was breathing hard and climbing the bed. I took the air mask off and felt like i couldnt breath and i threw up. The nurse was rubbing my leg saying it will be done soon, my contractions were very strong couldnt they have wait a min for it to pass?? I was only 4cm.  Grr, that OB was a very nice looking black lady whom i dont like at all!  So they continued to keep a close eye on me and not long after that a bunch of people were in the room turning on the lights and i was being explained the side effects of a C-Section and signing a paper, it all happened in a whirl in my mind. They stopped the PIT and started another drug to SLOW the labor down so the baby could steady his heart. They also talked me into getting the Epidural (which i didnt want) but gave my permission anyway because they told me if i didnt have one and something went wrong quick i would just be knocked out cold. That scared me into getting it, holding still was hard but the contractions were slowing a bit. M was awake and holding my hand for that part, that was at 5am.  I felt better after the drugs of course and was texting my mom and feeling a bit more relaxed. They restarted the PIT again and careful watched the heartrate, I didnt feel much for awhile. Again when the contractions got very strong the heart rate dropped, they had enough trying and it was decided a C -Section would be best i was still only at 4cm and the time it would take and the stress it would cause my baby was just too much. I really didnt get scared of the C-Section until they wheeled me down and i was alone, No M, as they prepared me and moved me onto the op. table. The nurses were great, had dirty dancing soundtrack playing and they were all so upbeat. When M came in all dressed in a grown and hat only his glasses out i felt a little better. My eyes were closed most of the time it was easier to focus when i wasnt looking around. I threw up again, they said i might from the med. I couldnt feel my body which was really weird. The nurse asked about my camera and M said it didnt matter but she asked again and went to get the camera for us and took pictures for us. That part was SOO nice!  Our son was born at 12:38pm on 11/23 Tuesday.  I heard him cry just a little and when he was cleaned up they wrapped him up and handed him to M, so i could see him above the curtain. He was sooo light!  I just kept repeating that. He had lots of dark hair and weight 6 lbs and 14oz and was 20" long. Tall boy for being so slender, he had big dark brown eyes. It seems like it took 10mins..but when i asked before hand they said it takes 1 1/2hours to do. But i dont remember most of it, maybe i slept. I remember them moving me off the table and back to a bed, but i dont remember where M was or anything else. I woke up in recovery with the baby in the warming better and M carrying in all our stuff. I finally got to hold my baby!  So pefect!  I was way too exhusted and still numb  to try to nurse at that point, i had wanted to but ended up not doing so. I was finally wheeled down to my room while i held the baby. M left to get Jr and then came back for a few hours with Jr and his mother then left to take jr home and to get some sleep. I nursed that evening for a bit, asked the nurses to come get him and i slept the night.

Guess i dont have the time to write about the second thing, the emotional side its what really brought me here tonight. Things are really messy at home. He’s 5 weeks old, i’m so in love. I never want to put him down. There lies the problem, my husband feels neglected and it seems everything my step-son does annoys me to no end. I’m not sure how to be a wife and mom. I’m not sure how to feel anything but a strong need to spend every sec caring for my baby and i’m ingoring everything else. I feel alone, that my hubby doesnt want me, like i cant do anything right at the house anymore, i feel horrible about having to go back to work soon, horrible about leaving my baby with my husband all day when it seems he doesnt want that chore. I feel confused. My head tells me all this logically stuff but my feelings are ruling me.  The baby is a blessing and doesnt stress me out at all, i get tired but i dont mind the middle of the night feedings and the crying, i like caring for him for being really needed. 

i love my baby
but my marriage is hurting
i’m not sure how to fix it