Discover me
I have been driving a lot of work the past week and those drives have been giving me time to think…and this is where I do my best reflection. I’m not going to try and play catch up. Just a fresh start to writing, we’ll see what happens.
I never use his laptop, but here I am loaded in incognito mode so I hope my history isn’t visible. I just want an outlet I am so robotic, and during this driving I realize I have become an emotionless person. Walls so high and thick gaurding my heart and mind I’ve lost all parts of who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
There was a time in my life, 20 years ago I turned to this diary to help contain all the emotions I felt all the time. As I got older I realized I don’t feel much anymore and long for the time when things were raw and strong and meant something. Maybe this is just part of aging, it seems we all hide more of ourself; life takes over..walking the path expected. Steps that are preplanned by dreams..life..programming, pressure. Somewhere along the line..I’ve turned off my heart; to protect it from disappointment, to shelter it from my own dislike, to cause less conflict in life.
Its odd to think about when I use to try so hard not to feel and just turn off the flood, I guess time made that a sucess. Yet is not what I thought it would be, I feel like I come off as cold, uncaring and I don’t even say “i love you” nearly as much as I use to. I find the words feel awkward in my own thoughts and mouth. Which sucks because I love my family; husband..kids.. but I don’t do a great job of saying the words I need. I guess I figered with time I would learn to “use my words” and I haven’t, in fact its gotten harder for me to express myself. Thats one common theme of my entire life; afraid to give words to my feelings/thoughts. Which is why I find myself here = typing on a keyboard because its comfortable to be in written word vs spoken.
Thoughts in my driving brain:
Maybe I should let him go; it seems like he would be happier without me. He expresses how much he doesn’t like his life, this place and all the built up resentment toward me. I’m too controlling and he remembers everything and in the end I just want him to be happy. Life is too short to waste it with me; which is cauing him to be miserable. I love him; but my actions don’t reflect that. As our Ann. comes closer I just realize its another year, but nothing has changed and we both still miss who we use to be as a couple. Its just sad
I think about the mistakes i’ve made with my kids. All the time I miss trying to be a provider and my memory is terrible. Which makes me sad because I don’t remember the details of their younger years like I wish I did. I did my best but teenagers just make you feel heartbroken all the time. They are discovering their own self and emotional depth and they become strangers that live under your roof but avoid you and because there is less and less you know about them it because harder to have a conversation so when they do pop out of their room I remind them of task which just makes them avoid me more I’m sure. I am just looking to connect to have something to talk them about. Ugh
I think about my past. The people I use to write about here, old loves and friends, my online world. I wonder where they are now – how their lives turned out. If they got married, have families – are they wandering around the same as I, stuck in the same issues and fear.
Tonight I write
drawn to the words
that use to set me free
hoping to gather
the courage to
discover the real me
Where are you
who are you
I don’t want
to live numb
anymore
I have to help
myself to grow
*is there a spell check option? I am not fixing every typing/spelling error.