awaken

 
Busy, busy in thoughts I shouldn’t have…  the new guy makes me think and remember a different life I had. You would think I wouldn’t miss it, weirdly enough I do. I miss the passion the desire that came from living in my mind, emotional garbage..maybe.  It’s been years since I thought about my emotional side, look inward at my heart and mind. I’ve gotten so caught up in the routine and trying to do I have no free time to be introverted.  Yet the new guy at work seems to have awaken this part because of his honest sharing of his difficult life, I don’t share nearly as much as him but it still offering my mind interaction and what if question I haven’t considered in a long time. 

It makes me think of R, the unfinished.  It makes me think I would still crawl thru the window. He offered me something no one else ever has, compassion if I had to give it a name. I know how dangerous it would be to try and reach out with the feelings that linger.  But I really wonder how he is doing, how life is turning out for him. 

Yes I love my husband but sadly our commutation has broken down and we are either too tired or too busy to fix it. We trade shifts with child care but we disagree so completely when it comes to punishment of our babies we’ve broken our communication.  He says if he would have known he wouldn’t have had kids with me. That we will end up splitting up because we don’t see eye to eye on raising the kids. I never knew what type if mom I would be, no one does until u ha e a baby in Ur arms.  I turned out differently then I imaged too, but I won’t bend in my belief u don’t have to hit kids to teach them. He feels he is just a sperms donor and doesn’t get a say an opinion in their life. Although he spends alot more time with them then I do. I find it very hard to give up any control over choices for the kids. We are stuck here, I’m not sure where to go. We don’t talk..nothing to talk about anymore he is with the kids home all day, annoying as hell to him. He wished he work I wish I was home but the dollars don’t equal that right now. 

Breaks over at work….