all the worry

here i am fatting myself up with cheesecake, i’m sad and its sticking to me and i cant seem to shake it away. And in some ways i’m glad and in other ways i wish i just could, but i’m afraid you’d leave. And for today that fear is a bit stronger then my need to cut and i have no idea what you will do if my need ever wins out. What will your reaction be, will you leave me?

I left work the other day got in my car and cried, i hate that place and everything they want me to be. All believe i can that if only i tried i would be great. I dont want to be great and i do not want to stand out, this title wont let me fade into the background it demands i always present myself and be something i’m not… something i dont want to be. I cant get out and i’m fucking sick of being threaten…to be written up. I dont wanna leave the company but they refuse to let me step down.  Why do they wanna lose a good worker?  Everytime management talks to me i crumb and cry because of it, why cant i go back… why did i do this?

i wish i could cut…. it hurts and tears arent helping any right now, it means nothing no one see, they just tell me to try…im tired of it

Yes i wanna be retail shit all of my life, i’d rather be great at that then terrible as management. Let me out! Lemme guess its just a white thing, making my good life into a problem..hurting over something so stupid. That how i feel isnt a real problem… i’m just being a brat, a child once again not being perfect.

why am i not floating anymore?  work is sinking me down. I feel ugly and useless. am i back to the same wall building? i dont know whats wrong with me lately.  I know i have so many good things in my life, and all i can think bout is the bad.

feels like im trapping you here in my room, being a problem in your life and no matter how much i know thats such shit….i’m just negative…. why do u wanna be around me this much when i’m sad..when im falling apart?  Dont just let me hide in my room. Maybe your seeing something thru time together that you dont like.  Wheres the little stuff go. I’m afraid of losing you. If i’m not happy all the time… then u think you cant make me happy, then im not worth it..right. All these rules to change me have me worried, what if i cant be that.  If you tell me how much you care… if i ask..that means i’m doubting it??  no, just means i wanna hear u say it instead of just knowing.

and i could watch him be bad all day, cause he makes me smile even when getting annoying. And when i was crying in my car and i was worried to come home because i know u can see thru my fake smiles and the reason for my tears you find pointless. Yet i wanted to come home too, so i could get my smile back. Attachment forms so quickly, i didnt realize that little arms reaching for me could mean so much. Maybe its a mother thing something with derek i was never able to realize never able to even consider, i tried for so long to put it out of my mind what it meant. Yet now its right in front of me and i see what i always knew. I might be scared to have kids, but at least this fear wont hold me back from doing it.

i cant wait for summer.. for nicer weather…even though i love the cold. I wanna cruise in my car on a nice warm day, makes me feel free. We dont have problems.. do we?   Maybe the fact that you fell in love with a sad girl..and sometimes your not going to understand why im such a mess, i’m just hoping that you’ll still be loving me.  Stop picking on me for thinking girls are cute, your making it a far bigger deal then it really is. Make me feel like a women, why u become so conserved lately. And yeah i do want you, yet u know this…and think thats my problem because i havent gotten any. Ya know that just makes me feel like a slut, that my self worth is based on rather i get sex or not.  Not that simple, yeah it makes me feel loved..and why is that so bad, makes me close with you. I know i’m a terrible bitch and your laughing right now cuase im even writing about this…dont mind me i’m just in a bad mood.

vday is a waste…. and im sorry i want it to be something sweet. Derek and you should talk you have the same feelings on the holiday.  Not upset becuase i didnt get anything, no…i dont expect anything.  Sad because i got you something and you spent all day saying what a stupid day it was. I’m waiting to see, if Saterday will be a sweet day to you or not. Now you know… now ..you’ll have to wait and find out.. 😉 

and on a final note…   i’m getting annoyed with a computer program