Ready to move on

For so long, all that anyone heard out of my mouth was how I missed Buffalo and how I hated Charlotte. It consumed my life. I’d gotten comfortable with where I was – relying on some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms, but getting by regardless. When I look back I wonder why I fought the situation so harshly, and while I KNOW my reasonings, I’m kind of angry with myself for being so strict about it. All of my reasons were valid and reasonable – which is why Matt never let me feel like they weren’t. He just wished I could see past them. And many many times, I wish I could have, too.

There are times I wish I would have had the full college experience. I could have had it. I was accepted to UNCC – I just never pursued it. I could have attended, but lived with my boyfriend in a pretty awesome apartment, and we could have lived a party lifestyle for the 2-3 years it would have taken me to finish. I’ve never been a partier, no. But I could have had it.

There are times I wish I’d done more – given a crap. I wish I would have sought out Highland Creek and found an adorable house on a cul-de-sac and made friends with all the other couples on our circle while our kids all became friends. And yes, we all would have been from roughly the same age group and had kids the same age. Everyone who lived in that part of Charlotte was in our same situation. Really, it was our perfect "habitat". We’d just gone about it a little wrong.

There are times I wish I would have learned to enjoy the 90-100 degree Augusts and Septembers in exchange for the 70 degree February and Marches. I wish I’d been okay with no snow in the winters and temps never dipping below 30 in exchange for never having to scrape my car or walk around with the ankles of my pants soaking wet.

But I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t, and I didn’t.

I was never ignorant to the many reasons why Charlotte was good for us. I talked about them all the time – I did so for my sanity. The economy and ease of getting ahead was of course, the main perk – the reason we were there at all. But…there was also the warm springs, the shopping venues, the places to see and things to do, the NEW, NICE, easy-to-get-into housing – even the amazing bond it gave Matt & I by forcing us to rely on each other when we had no one else. I never sold Charlotte short when it came to those things. And I even knew I’d miss them when I was gone. Especially at the very end, when I’d finally had some form of life going on.

Once in a while, when I actually allow myself to think about it, I really miss Charlotte. Never (NEVER) enough to wish we didn’t move, or to want to go back because NONE of what I miss even compares to what I have in Buffalo. And, because it’s easy to see the good things I had without remembering the stress & frustration it took to get them. While material things came easy to us in Charlotte, social things did not. It’s kind of the opposite in Buffalo – which I think is true for the vast majority of its inhabitants. The alternatives we have to things in Buffalo (in comparison to what we had in Charlotte) almost always come out in Buffalo’s favor. But eeeevery once in a while Charlotte wins, and it almost hurts to think about the things I gave up in those instances.

Like….

I miss my house. I miss it so much I cry about it once in a while (usually while AF is here, of course). A daughter of a Charlotte friend of mine just turned 3 and they had her birthday party in their backyard. She (Carlee) is the friend who lived across the street from me, so in the background of her pictures was my house. MY house. My very first house. The one where Luke was MADE. The one we brought him home from the hospital to. Sob sob sob….

There were SO many things about that house that I loved that sometimes I wonder if it was the smartest decision to let it go. Like, yes, occasionally I AM crazy enough to think, was it worth leaving Charlotte to leave that house behind?? And then I remind myself that like many things, a house IS just a THING and can’t even touch the relationships we have here. Houses can be replaced. In fact we’re about to replace it! But that house….ugh, that house. It will always have a piece of my heart. I really hurt over it.

And….

I really, really, REALLY miss my playgroup friends. At least….Jessica, Carlee, Alisa & Amber. I had "issues" with the start of all of their friendships (okay, not true, Carlee is probably the easiest person to get along with ever, and was always very accepting of me), and that’s the part that’s easy to forget – the constant checking of facebook for messages over the latest "drama" as we were getting our friendships in order. But when that was all said and done, I had really great friendships with them – ones that could have lasted a really long time – not to mention the friendships between our kids! They were the EXACT type of mom friends I wanted (well, want), too. The type that will occasionally bring up something about the kids here and there (when advice is needed), but not let every single conversation lead back to the kids. (Which I know is insanely hard to do as a mom, I’m having a hard time with it myself lately because with Luke’s level of development these last few months I can’t stop talking about him. See? There I go. I know I’m guilty of this, too – I guess I appreciate being around people who keep me from doing it?) I liked that we could talk about our fav TV shows or the crazy, necklace-wearing-cult moms on CM, or how amazing it is when the kids go to bed and we can crack a beer. I miss knowing I had something to do every Wednesday at 10am (and that coffee was involved!!). I miss seeing Luke interact with a whole bunch of kids – trying to play with the toddlers as if he were one even though he was only 7,8,9 months old. Every time one of them posts pictures of something, the 4 of them are usually together in them and I used to be #5. Now I just see the pictures, wish I was a part of it, and wonder if I can find something even REMOTELY as good here. I miss them so much.

Which brings me to…..

I miss Charlotte Mommies. I miss it desperately. I miss the constant posting & updates. I miss the plethora of events that were close enough to me that I didn’t feel weird about driving to them or not knowing anyone. Charlotte Mommies was the founding group of The Mommies Network, so naturally they are going to be the best/most experienced/biggest group in the network – but it’s truly hard to go from the best, to a shadow of it – and try to moderate a part of it, no less, when there’s a tiny tiny fraction of the interest and enthusiasm. I miss seeing someone post about how they were from Buffalo and feeling the instant need to know them. I miss the form of playgroups, like the one I was in. Here, one person hosts them all at their home once a month. I hope that once I get my home in order I can start my own and change that. It will surely revive my hope in this much smaller group. I’m trying to have enthusiasm for it – and I have more than I originally did – but it’s still tough. It’s no Charlotte Mommies.

I miss some small things, too. Like…my produce co-op. The Northlake Mall. Even Concord Mills. The proximity to Charleston. Birkdale Village and Lat

ta Plantation. My hair girl (who was from Buffalo!). Visiting with my crazy southern Metrolina friends. REAL Mexican restaurants. The daily afternoon thunderstorms. Lots of little things.

But, as I mentioned, Buffalo makes all of those things moot. I mean, I’m allowed to miss them. But the friendships I have here – the REAL ones, with history, and true companionship are something that I could NOT find down there. And, okay, the history part takes time, and I probably could have gotten there with the Okie Dokies ladies, but even those friendships (while good!) still felt mostly superficial and I doubt they’d ever compare to what I have here. And it took, what….5 years to even find those ladies in the first place? Charlotte Mommies definitely opened up a whole new world for me – but before that I could find nothing but hardcore religious fanatics who would preach your ear off, or drunken party goers, and I was left alone somewhere in between.

And of course there’s family! The biggest reason we came back. Luke KNOWS his Grandparents now. That wouldn’t be true if we were still there. He knows his Aunt Mallory, Uncle CJ & Aunt April. He’s becoming familiar with people we see on a fairly regular basis. He’s included in all the holidays and parties. Of course, we are too, but it’s HIM that we were most concerned with having that.

I know all of this has been said before so I won’t keep going with all the million, billion, trillion reasons Buffalo was the right move for us. It’s just….a little sad to think of what we left behind.

Part of me feeling this way is heavily rooted in not being in our home, yet. I’ve just really reached my limit. And I’m not even saying anything bad about being where we are – it’s not that at all. I’d just become so accustomed to having control and living a certain way and I feel so incredibly inhibited by not having my own space. Yes, I know – we chose this – and yes, we have our house lined up. But I’m just….frustrated. And ready to move on. And I think that once we have our home again and can feel like we’re moving forward rather than being in limbo, I won’t miss all of my Charlotte things so much. It’ll be interesting to see what it’s like, living here. I’ve never "lived" here, if that makes any sense? Of course I lived here. But I never lived on my own, or had a family, or owned a home. I’ve never lived in Buffalo without living with my mom. I’m really excited to find out what it’s like!