My slow is showing.

I know that living slowly has been a theme for me lately, and I’m happy to say that I can see it emerging in my reality. I firmly believe in the power of our thoughts and our focus, and things have just felt really “on” – as though, as Abraham-Hicks puts it, I’m on the high-flying disk.

Which for me, doesn’t mean that I’m floating around in an unrealistic, blindly happy la-la land..it’s just not my personality. But I feel connected to source lately. On the right track. I can’t be mad at the flu….it put me back in the right place.

The other morning, my two little guys were giggling in the living room, while Luke and I lounged on my freshly made bed. I was reading a book, and he was catching up on math homework. He’d have a question, and I’d jump in and explain. If he needed more help, I’d google a video and we’d watch it together. He’d figure it out, and continue his work, and I’d read more. The window was open…we hit 60 degrees for about 36 hours here, and it was glorious. It was calm, mostly quiet, and everyone was in a good place, emotionally.

Yesterday morning, I sat down to do some blogging, and all three of my guys were in the living room playing their own version of soccer. They’d make up new rules, and play so hard their hair got sweaty, and they’d laugh and race and celebrate their little victories.

And I just keep thinking….this winter break has been such a blessing. No lunches to pack, no wildly segmented days where I have to fit tasks between drop off and pick up and pick up again, and pick up a third time. No bedtime urgency because of their early-rising, jam-packed days. No minor or major events happening at school to keep track of – no projects, no order forms, no permission slips. The freedom to just do what felt right, and good, and worthwhile. I know we get this for all of summer vacation, and I’m very much looking forward to it, but it makes me wish that all of our days were more like this.

Right in the middle of our flu experience, during one of the rounds of me attempting to decorate my house for Valentine’s Day, the kids excitedly broke out their Valentine kits and the candy we’d gotten to attach to them so they could get them ready to hand out at school. (We didn’t know yet that Luke wouldn’t be there for it.) Halfway into addressing cards, the kids started to complain about how many of them there were, and how sick of writing their name they were getting. I thought about how this was such a mindless task, and while I’m grateful for the times when the kids get to just have fun and celebrate at school, Luke also had this massive envelope of work to catch up on from being out. I felt a little stress in the pit of my stomach over it – over making sure we got most of it done so he didn’t feel overwhelmed when he went back.

And then I started thinking about how from a very young age (I mean, Jake is in preschool half writing out Valentine’s Day cards – the other half was me guiding his hand because he can’t write on his own yet), we overwhelm our kids with tasks. Not only did Luke have that stack of work, and Henry have nightly homework during this time, but they had to have their Valentines turned in, and they were supposed to be participating in a school-wide reading program, and they had an event at school that was asking for donations, and Henry came home with a list of supplies needing replaced. And I just kept thinking – WHY so much at once? Why?

We ask these little ones to juggle SO much. Remember your nightly homework, AND your weekly homework, AND your library books (and the library is on a rotating schedule, so keep track of it because it’s rarely the same day of the week), AND your boots so we can have outdoor recess, AND your lunch, AND an allergy free snack and thermos, AND read a new book every night, AND have your parent sign your work, AND don’t forget to participate in this other school program, AND come to the PTA meetings and the extra school events.

I vented to Matt about how schools overwhelm our kids, and he said, “Well, I mean it’s kind of accurate. That’s real life, isn’t it?”

I looked at my life for a minute and thought this. Remember to help with nightly homework for 2 kids, AND read every night with 3, AND remember Luke’s supplements every night and vitamins for all 3, AND pack gluten free lunches, AND pack allergy safe snacks, AND make a meal plan and grocery list, AND stop at 3-5 stores a week, AND keep up with yearly physicals, AND do all the laundry, AND do all the dishes, AND be at all the PTA meetings, AND volunteer for as much as you can at school, AND support every school fundraiser, AND keep track of important documents for the kids, AND run my own business, AND make sure the house is picked up every day, AND make dinner every night, AND keep a very detailed calendar so you don’t miss birthdays and events and parties, AND eat well, AND take care of myself and my appearance, AND, AND, AND. And it barely scratches the surface. It doesn’t even touch on things like keeping the dog’s nails trimmed, and turning in overdue library books, and organizing the kids clothes seasonally, and weeding gardens, and sorting mail, and cleaning out the fridge.

And my life, comparatively to some, isn’t even that wild.

So basically. We take our precious 5 year olds, take a year to ease them into chaos (though stuffing them into a room with 20 other 5 year olds certainly flips the over-stimulation switch pretty instantly), and then pile onto this mountain of overwhelm a little more each school year. We train them to handle overwhelm as adults. And as adults, we accept overwhelm as the standard operation of life. And as a society we think, “this is just how it is.”

And it sucks, you guys. It sucks.

There’s a difference in working hard or passionately or well, and being overwhelmed.

Once a month, I do this blog link up with another blogger where we share a day in the life. Not a new concept…we used to do it here on OD back in the day all the time! I’ve been doing this for my blog since…September of last year. And I had these wildly jam-packed, busy days with lots of detail and action and productivity. They’d feel like good days….but I noticed that I made a lot of comments about how busy I was, and how maybe it’ll slow down next month, and then “well it didn’t slow down yet, maybe next month.”

Yesterday was my day to track so that I can post my DITL this coming Monday. As the day was coming to a close and I was snapping my final pictures, I thought….”Did I take enough pictures today? Did I note enough about my day?”  It was actually a pretty full day for us – full of outings and tasks. But there was a striking difference in the amount of stuff I wrote down, as well as the time I spent between each task. I could tell that when I wrote this post, it would translate much differently than the previous months. And it kind of hit me over the head – slow is finally creeping into my daily life. Even on days when there are places to go and things to do, slow is a choice – a mindset. It’s a version of “calm”. It’s being more mindful, paying more attention. It’s choosing to do a few things that feel good between the things that feel like responsibilities.

I still sometimes wish that I’d set up my life to be a little bit off the grid. I wish I’d chosen a situation where homeschooling was our norm, and living with the land was our focus. Sometimes I think I’d like to make the drastic decision to just do it. Maybe someday. Maybe I’m already on that road.

But I know this – I never want to live another day without this connected, slow, intentional, calm, mindful feeling.