happy birthday, baby!

today? meeeeehhhh……not so good.

i have the headache from hell right now. i’m going to say it’s a mixture of healing from the sickness, plus stress, anger, frustration, aaaand….let’s throw something annoying in as a scapegoat. the canadian shoppers that invade WNY and clog up our streets going 15mph under the speed limit. yeah, it’s their fault.

(no offense canadian friends. i love yous.)

seriously though. if i stand up, move too quickly, or sneeze…i feel like my head is just going to split open sideways and all of the contents are going to fall out. it huuuurts. i would love to nap but a) i’m sitting here with the monitor waiting for my ONE YEAR OLD (omg) to fall asleep before i even try and b) i’m not even allowed to try because i have soooo freakingggg much to do. let me tell you how wonderful this day has been.

first, you should know, my bedroom is completely ghetto-fied while we’re living here. we have zero of our own furniture here (well okay, we have our fish tank and our $20 target bookshelf) and the set up is annoying as can possibly be. our "night stand" is an old side table that’s way too short, and because of it’s inconvenient tendencies, we knock things into our little garbage can next to it multiple times a night. and i mean everything. glasses of water included. matt sleeps on the side of the bed by this makeshift night stand, so he’s usually the number one offender. just, take note of that.

for the past week (ending today) he’s been on call. yeah, his job is all annoying like that. they sent him a blackberry recently (he now carries TWO blackberries around) and said hey, every couple weeks you’re on call for our "emergency" line that lawyers get to call with issues at all hours since they are perpetually working and act like the rest of the world does, too. he has 30 minutes to respond to a call. and yes, this includes at 2:30am. so every time his phone buzzed, he’d roll over and check it…..occasionally knocking things over/off as he goes.

this morning i went to take my antibiotic. only……..it wasn’t on the night stand.
do you see where this is going?

today just happens to be garbage day. matt, mr. efficiency, had it changed & at the curb at 6am. including my bottle of meds. the garbage truck came and went around 7:30. so by the time i noticed it missing……they were on their way to the dump. freaking, awesome.

i then commenced my hissy fit. i like to think that i’m a lot more level headed than i was during more emotional times like, post-baby, or while nursing, or even while living in charlotte. but something about today….maybe the bajillion daunting tasks ahead?…just put me on the very edge of an emotional cliff and my missing meds pushed me over it.

when i finally collected myself i had to get ready, feed luke, get him dressed, and pack the diaper bag so we could be at the doctors by 9am. i don’t know what i was thinking making his 12 month check up on his birthday. it sounded like a good idea at the time (as in, sure, let’s get it over with) but now i’m totally kicking myself. it went fairly smoothly at first. we walked in, signed in, and before i could even get our coats off they called us back. the nurse was really sweet and luke was putting on a little flirt show while i answered all the "does he do this and that" questions. she measured and weighed him (he’s 24lbs and 29.5", if you were wondering), and started going on about what to expect.

then came the annoying part. i asked them to delay his shots (please…..please please keep your vaccine thoughts to yourself). we had a decent discussion about this for a few minutes, but somewhere along the line i lost the battle. i don’t know if it was my already emotional state, or the growing headache, or the "shut up doctors know more than you" feeling i always end up getting in their presence, but they insisted that the most important thing in this cold buffalo sicky season, is to have him completely protected. i just, lost my voice and forgot how to say no. so……on his freaking birthday….they gave him shots. (i do realize he will never remember this fact…it’s just me that feels hurt by it at the moment).

it was a lot more traumatic than i expected, even. i knew that the shots-in-the-arms days were approaching, but i didn’t realize they were HERE. so both of his poor arms were pricked. and i sooooo so wish that was the worst of it. on top of his shots, they pricked his finger for TWO blood tests…one for iron, one for lead. my poor guy had to sit through ALL of that on his birthday! he was in absolute hysterics. tears streaming down his face, red cheeks, sniffly nose…omg. i had tears welling up in my eyes, too. the nurse actually had to start calming me! i’ve been through this with him before, obviously, and it did get easier every time…but something about there being SO many things today, and then the moving from his legs to his arms…..ugh! i walked out of there SO freaking mad. soooo extremely raving mad. both that they did that many uncomfortable things to him at one time, and that i didn’t stand my ground about waiting for the shots. i was just….PISSED!

i decided to stop for some timmy ho’s….partially because i didn’t eat before his appt and was starving, but also because i was angry and just needed something to be happy about. luke was happily playing with the little whale toy they gave him when we checked out so i figured, why not. we went and got coffee….and since i was so close to my mom’s office i stopped in with him to visit. it was a good thing for both of us. it made me stop thinking about what had just happened, and luke was only worried about charming the pants off every lady in the building, so he was over it, too. when he was done flirting, i brought him home to nap….which he’s finally doing, but it took a while because he fell asleep on the way here.

so now……i’m nursing my headache, preparing myself for all i have to do today.

as angry, stressed, and frustrated as i have been all day….i’ve also been overly emotional over the fact that it’s my baby’s birthday! i made a point of looking at the clock when it was 8:49 and trying to remember the pissed off little cry he had exactly 1 year ago (while the doctors laughed because he was peeing on them). we were actually on the road on the way to the doctor’s, so i looked in my mirror back at luke and he was babbling and pointing at things going by. crazy how much has changed.

last night after we put luke to bed matt said, "this time last year we didn’t have a baby and we were living in charlotte. a lot has changed". so true. right now, one year ago, luke was 2 hours old and in my arms. i was both in awe of his presence and already so familiar with him. not to mention, hooked up to a bunch of machines and unable to move my legs, ha.

anyway. i need to get over my headache and my crappy mccrap crap mood and get ready for my baby’s big days. excuse me, my toddler’s. omg……

this made me laugh at least:
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here is the recap of the day he was born (written a week after): (you can see the whole thing HERE, if you want)

on thursday morning, i was a nervous wreck as you can imagine. we had to leave the house by 5:30, and towards the end of our time at home my anxiety was getting the best of me. i was so incredibly nervous for what i would be facing, i kind of shut off my mind & let the anxiety take over. i thought the emotions that were going through me at this point were intense – it was only the beginning.

we got to the hospital and were shown to our room where we settled in as much as we could. i was told to put on my gown and get in bed and they’d be in to prep me momentarily. thus began the journey. they started out by hooking me up to a fetal heart monitor, as well as the monitor that tracks contractions. apparently, i was having contractions 3-5 minutes apart – and i had no idea! i’d only felt 1 contraction during the entire time i was being prepped – and it wasn’t even a painful one. i couldn’t believe how often they were occurring & i was oblivious to it. the baby was moving around like crazy! i think it must have been adrenaline from me or something – he hadn’t moved that much in months.

they did a few more things to get me ready – i can’t even remember them all at this point. they tried to start an IV in my left arm, and it didn’t work. i don’t know what they did wrong, but i ended up with the biggest bruise i can remember having in a looong time. it looks absolutely terrible now. they ended up trying to run the IV in my hand next, and that one worked. as soon as they had the fluids running, i got sick. i was told this happens sometimes, and people who get motion sickness are more prone (yay me). they gave me some cold wash clothes & let me turn on my side and i felt better shortly. as soon as i did, they added antibiotics to my IV fluids – i guess it’s a precautionary thing for all c-section patients.

the surgery was scheduled for 8am, but something ended up taking too long and it got pushed back to 8:30. i was so nervous – i didn’t even notice. before i knew it, they brought me a heated blanket, wrapped it around me, and said it was time to go. i walked across the hall to the OR, following my IV, and they asked me to hop up on the table. my nerves were so intense at this point (in fact remembering it is making me anxious now). they started hooking me up to monitors left and right, and soon they got me ready for the epidural. i had two really nice nurses who were actually my age (one was 24, one was 22) and they really calmed me down. they talked to me and distracted me while they started doing their work on my back. i was so terrified for the epidural. the nurse told me what they were doing as they were doing it, so i was prepared for each step. i must say – it didn’t feel good, but it didn’t hurt any worse than having my IV put in. i felt a few electrical-like pulses in my muscles – and just like that, i felt everything start to tingle below my waist.

at this point they helped me up on the table and had me lay down. they tipped the table to help the medicine flow, and as they did this they put in the cath – i didn’t even feel it. they strapped down my limbs, and started testing me for numbness. they’d rub alcohol swabs on my shoulder to feel the coldness, and then on my belly to see if i could still feel the same temp. as soon as it felt warmer on my belly, they started their work. i didn’t even mention, matt had to sit just outside the OR during all of this. they wouldn’t let him in until they were sure the meds would work on me. he told me later that he felt so sick to his stomach with worrying about me that he had to sit with his head between his knees. i was so scared without him – i was dying for them to let him in. as soon as i was totally numb, they called him in and he was right by side.

the operation was interesting. i felt all the pressure and nothing else. it wasn’t as bad as i expected, though. regardless – i was so scared even while it was going on. matt sat and pep talked me the entire time. i kept telling him i was scared, even though it was already happening i was scared. he knew all the right things to say to keep me sane. my doctors were talking and making jokes which also helped a lot. one of my doctors announced that dr. bhojwani was going to put a lot of pressure on my belly to help get the baby out, and he’d be out in just a minute. the next thing i heard was someone yell, "he’s peeing!" and then i heard him cry. oh my gosh, it was such a moment – i was laughing and crying. laughing that he was peeing on his way out (matt did the same thing when he was born!) and crying over hearing his cry.

the nurse who was assigned to luke brought him over to my side of the table to show him off. oh, my, gosh! he was SO chubby and snuggly looking – i couldn’t believe how gorgeous he was! they checked him out a few feet away where i had plain view of him, and i told matt to go see him and take pictures. luke was crying so hard – he was pissed about having to leave his comfy home! i was crying – no, bawling. matt kept telling me how great he looked. he leaned down to kiss me at one point and we cried together for a minute – it was such an intense moment. i heard the nurses checking him out, and even though i knew he had all of his bits and pieces from the sonogram, i was so relieved when i heard them count his fingers and toes and he had them all. in not much time at all, he was bundled up and in matts arms. he held him right in front of me and we just kept talking to him. around this time i started to get a headache – one that extended into the back of my neck even, and i tried telling matt how uncomfortable i was. i don’t know what caused it, but i kind of lost awareness at this point – because i was telling matt how my head hurt & i had pain just below my lungs, and the next thing i knew he and luke were waiting in OR recovery and i barely noticed them leaving.

the pain under my lungs sucked – it felt extremely sore. i thought it was my diaphragm, but as time went on the pain was getting lower & lower, and i realized it was my uterus that was sore & shrinking down. they finished up, and one of my doctors announced that the tumor was off my ovary and they’d be finished in just a few minutes. a few other doctors started prepping me for recovery & added something else to my IV. i remember my hand stinging and not knowing why until they told me this later. they transferred me to my bed from the table – which was a scary experience, and then wheeled me out to recovery. matt and luke were waiting there for me. they hooked me up to a few new monitors, got me situated, and then luke was in my arms and nursing. i could not get over how adorable he was! matt was taking pictures left and right and calling our parents. after he nursed (which was at 9:30, i remember) they gave him his first bath right next to me, and the poor thing fell asleep during it. he was so cute.