Flu Fatigue & Dropping Balls

On the evening of my last entry, two of my boys and I came down with the flu. Fun.

We had the A strain of the virus, and let me tell you…….it has been kicking our butts. Luke (my oldest) hasn’t been to school since last Monday. They all have winter break next week, and it’s not looking likely that he will return before break. I’m kind of okay with it….I feel like his body needs the time to rest and recover. Especially since the kids in his class are still dropping like flies from all the various germs they’re passing around right now.

We were all completely laid out for about 4/5 days (me, Luke & Jake), but Luke and I seem to be the ones with lingering symptoms. He gets an afternoon fever of about 100ish. The doctor says his body gets tired and his immune system kicks back in. I have extreme fatigue. I was just doing some reading…lots of reports of 2-3 weeks of clinical fatigue with this strain. Which means I’m maybe halfway through it? But it’s bad.

I do simple tasks and feel like I ran a marathon. I wake up in the morning (after sleeping 8-9 hours) feeling like I haven’t slept. Coffee does nothing. I feel like I cannot process decisions at all. I have zero stamina. Just getting up to do something feels awful. Even writing this right now is taxing, lol.

It’s Valentine’s Day, though (obviously)…and I still have some things to put together for my boys. We’ve been so miserable and tired and cooped up that I’ve been excited to add a little sweet and happy to our lives today. Now that the day is here, though I’m having trouble even getting out of my chair. It all feels like a monumental task. I was hoping that my coffee would power me through it all, but it’s just not even touching this exhaustion.

Henry’s Valentine’s Day party is happening right now. I’m a room parent in his class…had to miss it to stay home with Luke, but it’s probably for the best. Matt still went.

Maybe it’s the fatigue talking, but going through this flu experience has really made me want to drop a lot of things. All the balls I’ve been juggling. (Not THOSE kind of balls.)

I’m on the board for the PTA. I already told them I’m not coming back next year, but I’m on the hook until the end of June, and I kind of hate it.

I sell clothes through Matilda Jane. I was busy and all-consumed with our first release leading up to February, and now I’ve barely done anything with it or thought about it at all, and I kind of don’t want to do it anymore.

I haven’t blogged in…..like 2 weeks, and I haven’t missed it.

I haven’t read a book in WAY too long, which is not like me, but I can’t focus on it. My brain is all…feed me Netflix and sleep, the end.

I haven’t done the meal planning or grocery shopping or dinner making since I’ve been sick. AMEN TO THAT.

And I know this is my tired body speaking. But I kind of want to drop all of it, forever and ever. Like just do nothing. Have no jobs, no obligations outside of taking care of my house and my kids. Isn’t it enough that my every damn day is subject to their schedules and basic needs?

I know that sounds incredibly lazy (I mean every cell in my body is lazy with fatigue at the moment), but here’s the thing. I quit my last office job at the end of 2008, and since then….I have filled a lot of the space in my days with other things. Volunteer positions with mommy’s groups and the PTA, virtual assistant jobs, direct sales jobs, babysitting, blogging, consignment sales, etc. And there’s two reasons I’ve done each one of these things – 1) to give myself some form of identity or purpose outside of mothering or 2) to bring in a little extra money to help support us in rough times or to play with when I can. It’s just that…..for the amount of work each of those things require, I don’t usually get the payout I’d like. So it’s all starting to feel very NOT worth it.

And when you end up in a situation where you have to sort of let the balls you’ve been juggling drop, you get kind of bitter about having to juggle them in the first place. Like why do I have to be the one to keep all of this up in the air all the damn time? I’m tired, ya’ll. I want to sit outside with coffee and a book and look at birds, and then cook something yummy for my kids at the end of the day, the end.

First world problems, I realize. My tired body is making me say all of this.

I really want my life to be simplified and streamlined is what I’m getting at. I’m kind of annoyed by the minimalist movement honestly, so I don’t mean that necessarily. I don’t think you have to be scrupulous about what you let into your lives like that…..I like pretty things too much. But I for real want to just tone it all down. Way way down, somewhere around “I don’t care, screw you, this is enough.”

Or maybe I just need to go take a nap.