A Snow Day, A Skunk & Some Space

For a while now, I’ve been overwhelmed by the tasks in my life. When I talk about it, everyone encourages me to let things go. And I think this is a hard pill for me to swallow, because the things in my life have already been carefully weighted.

If you go back to my last post where I talked about being a Rebel/Questioner, it kind of explains this but…I never say yes to something that I don’t 100% feel good about, or excited over, or that I’ve deemed worthy of my time or productive for my future. The things that I do add value to my life – even if there are too many of them.

It took me months of re-evaluating the “things” in my life to finally find one to let go. The problem is….my obligation to it has an expiration date a few months into the future. At the time of the decision, I had 5 months to wait out…it’s about 3.5 now. It still feels too far away, and while I wait, I’m only doing my (unpaid) job halfway because I’ve lost my drive and attachment to it. To be honest – when I agreed to take this thing on, I warned everyone that I was already overwhelmed and was afraid of being “that person” who rarely showed up. I honestly tried to not be that person, but here we are.

I felt a little guilty about my decision at first, and then made peace with it. And then the flu hit. Lying there feeling awful while I stressed about my little ones’ health, having people from this obligation that I already had one foot out the door from REALLY got under my skin. That frustration spilled into some of the other “things” I decided to keep on doing. I suddenly wondered why I stuffed my days with so many outside things. Why did I make it so difficult to have the space to just care for myself, my children, my home…wasn’t that the point of me not having a job?

I know the answer to these things, of course. Every “yes” I put out there (after careful consideration) either added to my personal identity, or my future resume, or granted me some money or playthings that I wouldn’t otherwise have in the typical sacrificial existence of a one income family.

But here’s the rub – when you stuff your days so full (in worthwhile ways or not), you don’t leave room for the little unforeseen shifts that happen every. single. day. We usually look at the big picture when we say yes to things – those months on the horizon look empty and manageable from a distance. It’s not until you’re in the trenches of the up-close daily realities that you can see how you didn’t factor in the little things.

It’s hard to focus on leaving space in your life…or well, it is for me. I have a very active mind, and I’m always processing ideas, and I tend to channel them into certain projects, only to realize later that my passion was never there. I think I’ve done this to avoid things that feel hard or unrealistic. But I’m now at the point where I want to attack those things. My sense of worthiness has shifted.

Some of the things I’m still doing have these icky themes or emotions tied to them, mixed in with fun and exciting ones. The fun and exciting is what keeps me doing them (because they are wonderful distractions), but I need to care more about their uglier side and what it means for my life. The problem is….more of these things still have a shelf life. Interestingly enough, they all wrap up around the same time….but I’m in a position to get to June and see it as the end of the busy chapter in my life. If I make all the right calls, I could have a wonderfully disconnected summer full of all the right things. The hard part is getting there….because I wish I could embrace it now, while I feel so called to.

I was tested yesterday.

It was a release day for my business, so I woke up with a to do list and a sense of obligation. As I stumbled out of bed to pour my first cup of coffee, I heard panicked yells from my husband and my oldest son. As I went to see what the fuss was about, I heard them say, “Galli (our dog) just got sprayed by a skunk!” And then the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. Have you ever smelled skunk up close and personal? It’s nothing like the road kill you get a whiff of when you pass by. It smells like burnt tires and fresh onions and battery acid. Like x1000.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so offended by a smell in my entire life, and I live with 4 males and 3 animals! I could think of nothing but getting rid of the smell, and dealing with this consumed our entire day. In between getting the dog clean and airing everything out, we still had to get ourselves ready, get the kids to their schools, get some groceries before the nor’easter that was due that evening, and deal with my business’ release day. It was desperate, highly-charged chaos.

Feeling this way, I decided to look for the lessons. It gives me peace in the middle of the, “seriously, Universe?” The first thing that I came up with was that if a skunk was around, it should be a sign of spring – which I’ve been desperately anxious for. Not good enough. And then I thought….it’s almost like I’m being reminded of how difficult all of this juggling is when I’ve got so much going on. Again. As if the flu wasn’t clear enough. Maybe I’m being told, “Okay, sure, good job, but you still haven’t given up enough yet.”

I talked to a friend this morning about it, and our conversations lead me to another “let it go” decision. Still a timed one (that will stretch out until June), but another thing to let go from my life and to create space with. Sigh….it feels better already.

We have a snow day today. I always root for a snow day…I love having my kids home and making a day of it. I rooted against this one because it meant I’d have to take all of my kids to a meeting that they’d hate (and they shouldn’t have to deal with that on a snow day, not fun for them), and it messed up a volunteer calendar at school so I won’t get to see my own kids there during my shifts. Which isn’t always a huge deal, except that I’m on the calendar twice in one week, and it happens to be a week when Matt is traveling for work, so it’ll already be an exhausting and stressful week. It’ll feel like added stress for no good reason. Instead of dwelling on it, I decided to choose my kids. I dodged the meeting today (with good reason, but they probably don’t care), and I’m going to see if I can swap one of my library shifts back. It’ll still suck a little, but it’ll be better than nothing.

Another passage in the Only Love Today book (by Rachel Macy Stafford) spoke to me last night. It’s about asking yourself three questions whenever you feel distracted and overwhelmed. I got kind of anxious and angry with myself when I read them.

1. “Does the amount of time and attention I currently offer my family and my health convey that they are top priorities in my life?”

Nope. If you sat me down for an interview, I would absolutely say that my kids, my marriage, and my health are my top priorities. You can see it in how often I speak of those things. But in the actual TIME I award them each day, you wouldn’t think so. I’m so busy clearing the self-imposed “have t0’s” that I get annoyed by the natural functions of those things. Also from the book…

“It is necessary to nurture your body.
It is necessary to nurture your mind.
It is necessary to nurture your soul.
It is necessary to nurture your romantic relationships.
It is necessary to nurture your parent-child bonds.
It is necessary to nurture your faith, your spiritual self, and your passions.”

Yep. That is the truth for me, but I don’t live it. I fill my body with coffee and toast so that I can spend more time looking up inventory and sizing of expensive clothing. I skip my afternoon meditations so that I can check my emails and watch tv. I rush to throw a packaged snack at my kids so I can get back to whatever it is that I’m working on, and I whine and agonize through putting a grocery list together because I’d rather spend that time reading because I’m too busy to read in the evenings. STUPID.

“2. Does my current schedule allow time to be fully present with my loved ones or nurture my well-being?”

Nope. It’s so jam-packed most days that my exhaustion wins when I finally find a window for exercise or a face mask or choosing to prep a fresh and healthy snack over a quick and sugary one. I put my kids off to the next day because I don’t have the appropriate energy for them, only the next day doesn’t have it either.

“3. Do I have any extracurricular commitments or time-wasting distractions I could eliminate in order to invest a few minutes in my relationships and self-care?”

Oh, so so soooo many.

So here I am again. Given the circumstances to make a better decision…to take (possibly unpopular) action in order to clear space in the face of distraction and obligation. It means letting people down and allowing them to form bad opinions of me so that I can form better relationships with my family, take better care of my home, and follow my passions.

It used to really matter to me that I was well-liked in my community, but I’m at a point where now I only care what my tribe thinks. I’ve made enough friends from that community, and carried friends forward from my previous communities, and they are the ones worthy of my energy. I can’t make everyone’s life easier at the detriment of myself and those closest to me. Even if they feel fun, or exciting, or worthy. It’s not about learning to say no, because I’m pretty damn good at that already….it’s learning to say “not anymore.” And saying, “sorry but my priorities have shifted.” And, “it’s not that it’s too hard, it’s that I need more space and I really don’t want to.” Peace out!