Vanity

This is something that has been bothering me for a long, long time.

When I look at pictures of me, I don’t see me. I see this:

I don’t know if I’m really that horrible-looking, or if I’m really unphotogenic, but that is not what I see in the mirror. In fact, what I think I see in the mirror is usually more like this:

Do you see the disparity?

Now, here’s what bothers me:

Friend: Ooh, and here’s a picture of you I took at the zoo last week!
Me: I didn’t know our zoo had double-chinned ogres.
Friend: No, that’s YOU!
Me: Oh my. Do I really look like that?
Friend: Oh, shut up. You look fine in this picture.
Me: Oh my. Do I really look like that?
Friend: It’s really not that bad!
Me: Oh my. DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT??
Friend: Oh, look! Here’s a baboon’s behind.
Me: …
Friend: Oh, nevermind. That’s you again.

I don’t expect my friends to cater to my vanity. But PLEASE stop insisting that these awful pictures of me look like me. When you tell me I look fine in a picture, I don’t hear, “You look fine.” I hear, “Yes, you do look like a double-chinned ogre.”

If you’re trying to reassure me, reassure me. Say, “Oh heavens no. You don’t photograph well. You look much better in person.” Or don’t say anything. But don’t tell me this snapshot of ugly “isn’t that bad.” Because I have two eyeballs (and up-to-date glasses). I can see that it is that bad.

If it were just my fragile ego, don’t you think I’d see this

in the mirror, too? But I don’t! I see Marita Covarrubias. If anything, my ego needs a kick to the groin.

So, here are our choices:

1. I am really ugly, and my vision goes haywire every time I step in front of a mirror.
2. I am not ugly, and my vision goes haywire every time I see a picture of myself.
3. I am somewhere in between, and the camera adds 20 pounds, a bulbous nose, shiny skin, frizzy hair, giant teeth, thin lips, a wide face, and squinty eyes.

Which would you prefer to hear? Huh? Next time a friend doesn’t like a picture of herself, and you actually think it’s a bad picture, say so. Don’t tell her over and over that it looks just like her! and it’s beautiful! Because she will either conclude that your vision makes it illegal for you to operate a motor vehicle and that she truly is hideous, or that you are a liar and that she truly is hideous

I can guarantee she’s not going to conclude that the thing leering at her from the photograph is beautiful.

PS: If she really is that ugly, it’s best to just not share any photographs with her. Unless you think her ego needs a kick to the groin.

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