Why wont it just stop……

I wish I could go back about 6 months, when things were really good with us.  When we were both so excited about each other, before all this other drama bullshit.  Not that we arent happy now or excited about each other, but we have all the extra drama hanging over our heads and its killing the mood.

Ive always felt that if I dont give someone what they want they will go else where to get it.  No matter what it is.  Like I said in the last entry, Ive kinda lost my drive so Stephen and I were kinda talking about it night before last.  I admitted that yes sometimes in the back of my mind I feel like I have to have sex with him and yes sometimes I feel like he kinda pushes himself on me.  He took this to mean I didnt want him, I only have sex with him out of obligation.  TOTALLY NOT TRUE!!!   It hurt me knowing I made him feel that way.  I tried to explain myself but we both went to sleep upset.

So, last night, I wanted him, not out of obligation, not for any other reason than I wanted him.  Since he refuses to start anything now, I have to.  I rolled over and started kissing him to get things going and he pulled away, he said he was readjusting.  Readjusting what, I dunno, maybe he was laying on something wrong, then he came back for one last peck.  So, heartbroken, I rolled back over.  Soon we were all kinds of upset again.  He wasnt over the stuff from the night before so we got back on that.  I explained once again what I meant when I said that I sometimes feel like I have to.  Then he made some sort of comment like he doesnt want me to feel that way with him.  So I pointed out a perfect example of how he has already proven my point.  I didnt feel comfy wearing something sexy for him, I asked him to wait until I did.  So, what does he do, go somewhere else to satisfy that need.  He went online, the same thing that started most of our problems.

Which led us into another argument.  Right now he is partners with Craig at work, but Craig is going to work somewhere else and that bitch Jennifer might become his partner.  Lord forgive me for caling her a bitch when I dont even know the girl, but shes caused problems in my relationship as well.  Like I told him last night, its just the tone of his voice when he speaks of her that drives me insane.  That plus the fact that he told me there were a few girls he could be with at work if he wanted to but he never mentioned names……PLUS  he never takes her calls in front me.  He has no problem picking up someone elses call but refuses to pick up hers.  He says she talks to much and he would rather be spending time with me than talking to her.  So I asked why he doesnt just tell her he has to go.  No response.  Like I said, he has no problem picking up other peoples calls but he WIL NOT pick up hers in front of me.  One night she called him 2 or 3 times, then I think she called again the next morning.  He never answered, then she called him on his way to work that morning and he answered and talked to her.  Thats happened more than once.  He would rather stay on the truck hes on now than change shifts.  He likes this shift better, he likes working with her better than the other guy, so he wants to stay put.  I told him to go ahead and do it.  But if he does, I dont want him coming home talking about her and shit.  I think there might be a tiny something there.  Someone is attracted to someone.  I have  good feeling about that.  He says no, but boys lie or maybe its not an attraction on his part, just hers.  So he said hes gonna go to the other truck, because its not worth the fight with us.  Now I feel like dog shit.

I feel likesuch a psyco bitch for acting that way.  Honestly, he has fed my insecurities and made me this paranoid.  He has done things to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit and has lost my trust.  I’ve tried to give him a chance to gain it back, but it’s not working.  I cant fking stand it.  I want to be albe to trust him, I want him to do as he pleases without having to worry about how I will react.  He did this to me.  I hate feeling this way.  I was good at first, trusted him like you wouldnt believe, until one day……I find out he’s been hiding shit from me, doing bullshit behind my back, and talking to those fking cunts behind my back.

IT DRIVES ME IN FKING SANE, I am upfront and honest about everything and everyone I talk to, I havent made him feel this way, so why do I deserve to feel this way?!?!?!?!?!

Im sooooo fking pissed, so aggrivated, so hurt, so confused……so everything……I dont know where to go from here, nor do I know where I want to go……