Why should I….

 …..have to feel like the shittiest person on earth for something upsetting me?  I feel like Im the biggest bitch, Stephen is miserable and life sucks.

I feel like everyone has a negative view of me.

The house people………have made comments to not only Stephen but also my dad about not wanting to do business with me again etc.  I dont appreciate the comments.  The only contact I really ever had with them was via email….and basically I just told them again and again the problems I was having with them and stressing that I wanted answers and things to get done.  I think I had every right to do that……I was their customer.  Stephen is the one who actually called them and cussed them out not only over the phone but also in person when he would go up there.  So why am I the bitch?  I’m the problem?  The factory is going to have their hands full with me when they come to fix problems with the house?  Is it because I’m female and I voiced my opinion, questioned their roles and demanded things get done?  That makes me a bitch?  That makes me a bad person?

I admit, sometimes I yell at Stephen for stupid stuff and take things out on him that I shouldnt……I admit my error when it comes to those things and I apologize to him.  But am I truly a bitch for getting pissed/annoyed with him and letting it be known that I dont approve/appreciate what he’s done?  I feel like Im always yelling at him……and maybe I am, but on the same note…..you know it pisses me off, why do it?!?!?!  I dont want him to be afraid of me, resentful of me, regretful.  I want him to love me and feel great love.  I dont want him to feel bitterness and hate from me.  Yet it seems like thats all I send out.  I cant help it that I get upset about things.  I cant help it that my mood changes in an instant.  Help me with it though…..help me try to figure things out.  Instead of repeating the same things, ignoring me, not talking about it, walking away from me and getting angry back…….help me learn a new way to deal with things.

I feel like utter shit about myself.  I do wonder how people truly view me.  Am I really that much of an awful person?  Is that why I have no friends, no life?  Why am I the way that I am. 

After the wedding Stephen said he hopes that now I go back to who I was when we first started dating.  I dont know if I know how to find that person again.  My life has changed yet again, I’m stressed, in a miserable job and in a relationship that I LOVE being in but on the same note makes me angry with myself.  Back then I was stressed, but it wasnt this same kind of stress, the job was not great, but not exactly miserable either, and my relationship was new, I was still trying to figure it out and excited about it.

I’m not as excited anymore.  I’m constantly angry.  I know our relationship now.  I know him now.  Our resolution for date night………never happened.  He doesnt close cabinets or drawers.  He moves shit when I ask him not to.  We have bills…….a house.  Theres just not anything exciting going on with us.  There’s more of the annoyances than the exciting stuff these days and I guess its taking its toll.

It’s not just me that needs to get back to who I was when we first met, it’s him too.  He is now making it a habit of leaving the door open when he is in the bathroom………that I dont mind…….but I keep telling him it just goes to show the romance is gone.  And it is…….mostly…….

I don’t want to be angry anymore, I want to be happy again!