Why am I not good enough?

Stephen loves me, I know that.  But at the same time, he’s a guy and he fks up.  Im crazy about him, Im sooooo thankful I have him, but at the same time, Im unhappy. 

We had issues with him being on MySpace and searching for random 18 year old bitches within 5 miles of his house, remember?  He says just to look and I believe him, for the most part.  I know guys are visual creatures and he probably did enjoy looking.  At the same time though, I feel hurt and betrayed because of it.  I feel not good enough.  What if I hadnt had found out he was doing that?

So, I got upset because he started getting on MySpace at work, when Im not around.I wont go into all the details of our fight but I hope like crazy he starts to make things better.

So, that was the night before last, we didnt get to bed until WAY late, and had to get up WAY early.  We got up, I went to get my BC shot and such, got a script that says we cant have sex for 7 days and after that we have to use condoms for 2 months.  I love being with him, I love feeling him, so I was very upset about this, so, we decided when we got done with everything we needed to do, we would have one last time together, so to speak.  I would start my script today.  When we FINALLY got home last night Stephen fked up.  We were on our way upstairs but he called Rachel downstairs to show her the things we had bought.  Let me just say that he had just got done saying he loved being with me all day and enjoyed our alone time, how when we got home there would be Rachel and Craig and such.  So anyways, I went upstairs, Rachel went downstairs, about 5 or 10 minutes later I went downstairs, I sat in the garage with them while they talked for the same amount of time, then said fk it, apparently he wants to talk, so I will go upstairs and he will be up soon.  An hour and 45 minutes later he finally shows up.  I was PISSED.  It was my last night to be with him, he and I already had plans and he JUST got done saying he didnt want to go home because they’d be there and he just wanted to be alone with me……..yet he ditches me for her.  My whole night was ruined.  I was exhausted, we had a long day, plus we both had work in the morning.  He still needed to shower and shave…….it was already 11 pm, he fked up.  He obviously didnt want to be with me and Rachel is sooooo much better than me because he picked her over me.  Anyways, we fought all night long.  Kinda made up around 2 this morning, had sex that wasnt what I wanted it to be.  It was ok sex, but not like I was hoping for the last night we were able to have REAL sex for the next 2 months.  I wasnt that into it, my heart was hurting too much.  Thats not to say I didnt enjoy it, but it wasnt what I wanted.

I hate that I hurt so much.  I hate that I have to say something to him for him to realize what he’s doing.  I hate that he cant figure shit out on his own. I hate that he doesnt take my thoughts and feelings into consideration when he does certain things.

I want this relationship to work.  I love him and want to be with him.  I also want to be happy.

On top of all this I told him I never even wanted to move in with them in the first place.  I wanted it to be just us.  I dont want to have to come home to THEM, I want to come home to HIM!!  I hate that I have to hang out with them before I can hang out with him alone.  I want it to be just us.  He doesnt want to move out of there, he doesnt think we can afford it.  I know we can afford it.  I also pointed out to him that if we werent living there, we wouldnt have half the problems we have now. 

I think Im going to move out.  Maybe go visit him once in a while, but Im not going to stay the night there all the time any more. 

I want things to be better.