Today is a little better….

Dad seems to be going uphill now instead of just downhill.

Ofcourse we have a few setbacks, they still are keeping him mostly sedated, hes not opening his eyes and that damn temperature keeps popping up.

But, he looks good, he’s responding more to us and we are all getting a little excited.

I didnt make it to see him this morning.  I couldnt get myself out of bed.  Im sooooo exhausted and being pregnant doesnt help matters.  I was tempted to call into work today so I could rest most of the day, since I know that being exhausted is not good at all for Piglet, just as stress is not.  But, Im here at work.

Everyone has been instructing me to take it easy, try not to get myself worked up.  Ive been trying to be very good about that.  But quite honestly, Im tired of hearing about how I need to take care of myself for the babies sake.  Dont get me wrong, I want my child to be healthy, I dont want to put myself or the child at risk, but on the same note its hard, its hard not to worry when your father is lying there looking like that.  So, Ive taken to doing it in private.  When no one is around, I breakdown.  I cry, I want to scream and its a good release for me, makes me feel better.  I need to cry, I need to be emotional about this, but everyone is on me about doing the exact opposite.  I think the pent up emotions and stress of that have got to be more harm than actually releasing it.  I wont even do it in front of Stephen.  He’s being great so far about making sure I do whats healthy for me and the baby.  I’m just tired of hearing it, let me be upset, let me cry, we will be ok.  Quite honestly, at this point, my dad is the forefront of my thoughts, the baby comes 2nd for me right now.  I probably shouldnt do that…..hell I dunno, its just what has happened.  I cant help but be more worried and concerned about my father than the baby.  Once we get out of this rough patch with dad and things are actually much better then things will change.  I wont be as worried.  I just dont think its fair that everyone else is allowed to show their true feelings and my every emotion is being monitored.  That I have to try to pretend to be ok and not express how I truly feel.

Anyways, thats all for now.  I dont really have much else to say.  A lady came by yesterday whose husband is also in the CVICU, she asked my mom if that was her husband and mom said yes. Then she said "Im not going to pretend to know your story but I see you guys with him and it reminds me of me with my husband"  Apparently it took 3 weeks for her husband to open his eyes, on Christmas morning.  So she told us to stay in dads corner and to help him fight, if he really wants to make it he will.  She had us all misty eyed, even herself.  But it was nice.  Most everyone else is just asking questions about whats going on.  We have watched new families come into the CVICU, their loved ones are doing great, we have watched many get transfered out, good for them.  I am happy that their loved one is doing so great, I pray that they dont have huge setbacks like we have.  But on the same note, Im jealous, Im angry that they are all smiles when they walk back into the waiting room after visiting talking about how great their loved one is doing.  We walk out, sometimes in tears, with very distraught faces, the others anxiously waiting to hear something good…..he moved his foot, he squeezed our hand……any small thing.

I see that some of the families there have made friends with each others, they ask how the other families loved one is doing and know each others stories.  We havent done that.  We keep to ourselves, I think its better for us that way.  I have said from the start that I never want to be like that.  I never want to be in a waiting room so long that I make friends with the other patients families.  I think thats why we avoid the other people…..we dont want to face the fact that we have been there nearly a week…..that we will be there even longer.  If we dont make friends then we havent been there that long or much longer.  We have the hope that soon we will be out of there so whats the point of making friends if we are leaving them so soon?!?!?!  If that makes any sense at all.

My cousin has started a journal, documenting each day, the progress and such things that happen.  This way when its over if dad wants to read about what all happened he can.  I think its sweet of her, I think its a good idea.  But on the same note it makes me angry to know that such a journal could ever exist.  Its not something that I really want to remember every detail of ever again…..but then again……maybe I will.  I dont know that dad will want to know either.  I know it will crush him to read what all we went through…..what he went through, just how close he came to death.

Since I was little my dad has always called me Peapot.  Hes had other names for me too but thats the one that he’s used the most and that has really stuck around.  I have never in my life wanted to hear that more than I do now.  I want to hear his voice……..I want him to open his eyes.  I couldnt wait for a response…….but now a hand squeeze just isnt enough.

 

Visit <a href=’http://answers.yahoo.com’ _fcksavedurl=’http://answers.yahoo.com’>Yahoo! Answers</a> to find the answer to millions of different questions.