The worst time….

I know that this is the worst time for this, but I just hate her so much.  Why…I dunno, Ive never even met the bitch, I just hate her with a passion.  I dont think Ive ever felt this much hate for one human in my entire life.  Hate is a pretty powerful word, I learned that from my mom….I dont usually like to use it, but this time, I think I mean it.  Technically this is supposed to be his night off.  Technically he should be home with me.  Technically he should be cuddled up against me, his skin kissing mine.  But thats not the case.  Instead, hes at work.  Instead hes working with that fucking cunt.  I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER.  I know its not his fault. I know he doesnt get to pick who he works with….but still.  I HATE HER.  Selfishly I was glad she hasnt been able to work lately.  Selfishly I was glad she wasnt around any more.

I was so anxious to see him.  I wanted NOTHING more than to see him tonight.  From the moment he first mentioned the tags should be ready for his truck, I was planning on seeing him.  I would have to drive out that way any ways to pick up the tags, so I would go hang out with him for a while, since I wouldnt get to see him until Sunday when he got off work.  That is if he came straight home after his shift and didnt sleep in.  But Im sure as soon as he gets home Sunday he will just want to sleep so the entire weekend is shot to shit, I dont get to see him at all. That fucking bitch gets him tonight and I dont.  While Im sitting here miserable and alone hes with her.  Enjoying her company.  Plus, I got the cake topper today, I was anxious to show it off to him. I was excited it had arrived.  I just couldnt wait to see him.  But when I talked to him and found out he was for sure working with her tonight, I got upset.  I dont want to be around her.  Besides, something was different, something in his voice.  He seemed happier than he has in the last few days. 

I hung up the phone and BARELY made it back to my truck, as I unlockd the door I was bawling. I was hurting sooo bad.  I got in, laid my head on the steering wheel and just cried.  I tried to compose myself so I could drive, I started to hyperventilate.  Eventually I got on the road, after I punched my dash board.  I was still a fking mess. I dont think Ihave ever been so grateful for traffic in my entire life.  It was just as I started to hit traffic that I  started to get light headed and felt like I was about to pass out.  I was trying to control my breathing but it wasnt working.  I couldnt breathe and I was gasping for air.  Its not fair to him……..not at all, especially not right now, but I was hurting.

Then, I started thinking…….if he got that call tonight, she would be there to comfort him.  I have wanted nothing more (geeze, I can barely see to type through the tears)  I have wanted nothing more than to hug him with in the last 24 + hours……nothing more than to kiss his forehead and try to make him feel better.  The thought of her being there to comfort him if the call comes in tears me up inside.  It could be any one else in the world…….ANYONE BUT HER.  I dont want it to be her.  I wish it were me, I would rather him be alone than it be her.

I HATE HER.

I know, shame on me, I shouldnt act this way, but I cant help it.  I was also thinking on the way home of all the things I could do to hurt him, to have him feel the hurt Im feeling.  But I wont do that.  Im being unfair and childish.  Selfish an disrespectful.  But Im hurting.  I just dont want her in the picture at all. I hate when her name is even brought up in conversation, I just get soo angry.

Instead, Rachel and I went out.  I needed a drink, I needed out of the house.  The last thing I needed to do was sit here all night, alone, crying myself to sleep, thinking about him being with her.

I HATE HER.

Ugh, I wish I didnt act this way.  I wish I werent such a psycho bitch.  I wish I were better than this to Stephen.  He is having a hard enough time as it is……he deserves so much better than me.  Sometimes I think I should just walk away, so that he can find that person better than me.

I really should!