The thought we may have never been

The alarm clock is set for at least an hour before we have to get up, when it goes off, I cant ever fall back asleep before the snooze goes off so I miss at least an hour of sleep and Im EXHAUSTED!

Im doubting Stephen will come to the parties on Saturday.  First of all, he wont get off work until 8, after working a 36, then he has to take Craig home, which is nearly an hour drive, then drive all the way to my house, another hour.  On top of that, on Sunday he has to go look at something for some people.  So, Im not seeing it as happening.

Last night he upset me.  Before I went to take a shower he said something about getting personalized M&M’s for our wedding guests that said something like Kim & Stephen, I told him that was gay, that it would have to say something more clever.  So, while Im in the shower Im thinking of things that you could put on an M&M and came up with something kinda lame but cute, so after I got out I was going to tell him, then I wanted to get laid.  Well, before I got the chance he told me that he had talked to this chick named Kim online while I was in the shower and she said she wanted to hang out with us while we were in New York.  "Thats the one you fucked?"  "Yeah"  After that, I was no longer in the mood to tell him what I had come up with, or have sex with him.  I just rolled over and went to sleep.  He tried to imply a bit that he wanted to play, but I ignored what he was doing to me and moved his hands and such.  I told him I wasnt going to hang out with Kim, it was bad enough that I had to hang out with Rachel.  I asked if he was going to hang out with her while I wasnt there and he said no, but I think he’s lying.  Like I said before, I know he has a past, but I dont need it all up in my face.  My mind is mean to me, I sit there wondering what they did with and to each other.  How he felt, how she felt, how much better she was than me, if he wishes I did this or that like she did.  All these questions and thoughts run through my mind and it just pisses me off.  Call me crazy for that, but I cant help that I have these thoughts.  I cant help but wonder if they are thinking the same things, what it was like to be with each other, or that they wish it could happen again.  It just makes me sick to my stomach.  I try to deal with it as best I can, but fuck, Rachel is enough for me.  I cant handle more.  Its bad enough to hear him and Rachel laugh and joke about it, if I have to hear one more person, im out of there.  Its a lack of respect for me and our relationship.  YOU DONT DO THAT KINDA SHIT.  I dont want to be one of those girlfriends who tells him who he can and cant be friends with, but I dont want to sit there feeling inadequate while the shit eats me up either.  At this point it should JUST be about me and Stephen, not about Stephen and whoever else from his past.  That shit shouldnt be important anymore and shouldnt matter.  On top of all that, what I dont understand is why its ok for him to talk to and hang out with chicks hes been with but he gets his fking panties in a bunch pretty well everytime I speak to one of my guy friends or something.  Someone Ive never been with nor do I plan to be, he gets jealous and its ridiculous.  Its not fair at all, not fair to me that I have to deal with the shit. 

I feel like crying, my heart hurts.  Im his girl now, why would he want to hang out with someone from his past?  Why hold on to that and keep bringing it up?  Geeze, Im too fucking insecure.  If it keeps happening and I keep feeling this way, I know for a fact I will break up with him, it will get to be too much, it already is too much.  I cant handle it, I wasnt cut out for it.  I know Ive said before Id break up with him, but its always over the same things, Im feeling like hes not paying attention to me/not that into me or his past.  His past more than anything, thats what hurts me the most.  I have respect enough to leave it in the past, respect enough for him and our relationship.  My main focus now is him, no one and nothing else, all that matters is what happens between he and I.  I dont throw my past in his face like he does his to me.  It may not always be intentional, but it happens.  He and I had this conversation a few months ago, when I lost it after he was laying on top of me and told me to touch the wall because it was how his exes chest felt.  I told him that all that should matter is us………yet Im still having to deal with the shit…….its not as bad as it was at first, but its still there.  I dont want to talk to him about it anymore, Ive had enough of the arguing about it, how much more can I say than I already have?  So I let it eat me more and more in silence….

My heart hurts, I love him, but I cant be with him if Im always going to feel this way.

Maybe Im just being foolish.

I love this song

Tamia~Still

Mmmm yea-hey-oh-woah-oh yea-hey-oh-woah-oh-woah usually when two people are together for a long
Time things seem to change its been said nothing good lasts forever, but this love gets better
Every day, we get all excited inside, everytime that we get alone, he still got love in his
Eyes, and i still got love in my soul
Still, feels like the first time we met that i kissed and i told u i love you, we
Still, run around like teenagers even though we’re grown and married with kids, we still, talk
On the phone for hours when im away and he still, writes letters and send me flowers every
Other day, the question everybody ask, is how we make it last, i tell them i still he still we
Still
Now i still smile in the morning, when i relize when im still in his arms, we know everything
About each other, but we still keep holding on-yea, we’re never gonna break up we’ll be always
There to make up, as long as we stick together we’ll climb higher, im gonna ride with him to
The wire, our love is never gonna end we’re on fire,
Still, feels like the first time we met that i kissed and i told u i love you, we
Still, run around like teenagers even though we’re grown and married with kids, we still, talk
On the phone for hours when im away and he still, writes letters and send me flowers every
Other day, the question everybody ask, is how we make it last, i tell them i still he still we
Still
We go through problems like everybody else (but i really dont mind) but i dont mind cuz it
Makes us keep it fresh whats sadder than an arguement is the thought we may have never been
He’s my lover my babys father my lifetime partner and my friend, still the man of my dreams, he
Still, still the man for me and im still in love with him so deeply, i think ill sing it agian
Hes still, still the man of my dreams, hes still, still the man for me an

d im still in love
With him deep deeply
Still, feels like the first time we met that i kissed and i told u i love you, we
Still, run around like teenagers even though we’re grown and married with kids, we still, talk
On the phone for hours when im away and he still, writes letters and send me flowers every
Other day, the question everybody ask, is how we make it last, i tell them i still he still we
Still
Still, feels like the first time we met that i kissed and i told u i love you, we still, run
Around like teenagers even though we’re grown and married with kids, we still, talk on the
Phone for hours when im away and he still, writes letters and send me flowers every other day,
The question everybody ask, is how we make it last, i tell them i still he still we still