Soooo…..

Justin got released around 2:30 this afternoon.  I went up
to the hospital for lunch and stayed until he got released.

I think maybe I should just let Jonathan go.  It does
nothing but drag me down anymore it seems.  I shouldnt give up, but I’m not
strong enough to continue.  He feels different to me, even after telling
him time and time again.  Whats the point any more??  I’ve tried my
best to stick it out and hope for the best, but you can only do that for so long
before you just HAVE to move on and let it go.  If it’s not feeling right
now, it probably never will.  He said if we ever meet he will try to let me
in, why do we have to meet for him to do that?  If he cant let me in now,
he never will.  So, starting now, I wont try to contact him.  If he
wants to talk to me, fine, but I wont bother him anymore.  I wont plan for
my trip up there this summer, or anything of the sort. Besides, it appears as
though he has plenty of company for the time being.  I cant stay on the
roller coaster of emotions any longer, I’m starting to get sick.  One
minute its ok, the next minute…..its not.  I care about him, but I
honestly dont think he cares about me on the same level.  I kept answering
him with ‘k’ and he called me out on it, what other answer do you expect me to
give when my heart hurts like it does?? So………with that, I’m going to
shower and try to get some rest.  My heart hurts….but in time it will be
ok.  ::sigh::  I asked him the other day not to read my diary any
more, not sure if he listened or not.  I know I’ve been putting the entries
about him on faves, but if he’s not reading me anymore, whats the point, I’ll
just leave them public.