So Here I Am

I’m making a vow, a vow to come here more often.  I haven’t really been around much since April.  That’s unacceptable.  Considering the fact that I have so much to say.  I just don’t have the time or the energy.

Let’s start with dad.  He has been home since November; I’ve been his primary care giver.  I am with him during the day since I’m the one that doesn’t work.  I also have Brooke and my 2 nephews during the day, so by the end of the day I’m emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.  Oh and by the way, pardon me for spelling errors and such I need to have corrective surgery for my eyes again, I truly cannot see.  Anywho, so dad, we are all at the end of our rope.  He is an angry bitter man and we just can’t stand to be around him anymore.  At first it was going alright, he was tolerable, but as time went on he got worse and worse.  He basically just wants to lie around, do what he wants to do and not have to do any work.  Such as physically standing himself up. When I would take him to the potty he would sit there and supposedly try 6 or 8 times to stand up but said "I can’t" which I knew was bullshit.  So I would just rest my hand on his side and magically he could stand up, simply because he thought I was doing the work for him.  That’s just one example of the stupid shit he was trying to pull.  Bottom line, hes like a child.  You know how your children always behave differently around other people??  Well he would do the same; he thought he could get away with his stupid behavior with us so he did it.  However, he must have forgotten how stubborn and bullheaded I am, just like himself.  So, naturally, we butted heads, I knew what he was doing was bullshit and I called him on it and that pissed him off more than anything so we got into MANY fights.  Just before Christmas he tore his ACL, so hes been in bed for nearly a month and now all he does is yell and scream.  As nasty as this is, he hasn’t even showered since before Christmas.  It was hell trying to get him into the shower before he fell and hurt himself, now it’s not even possible.  I forced him to take showers at least once a week before he fell just because he was fking nasty and I didn’t want him to get sores and shit.  Well, now I can’t even force him and he is soooooo gross.  I did force him to get up the other day and gave him a halfway decent sponge bath.  This after a HUGE fight and him attacking my husband so my husband attacked back, physically.  Through it all I have been called so many names, treated like shit, disowned, just you name it, hes done it.  I’ve had all I can stand of it.  I’m to the point now where it makes me angry to even have to wake up in the mornings to go to moms house to sit with him.  Ultimately what I would have liked to have had happen was him come home and get readjusted to home life and only need me there for little things, like making him lunch, him being capable of doing everything else himself.  But he wouldn’t allow that to happen.  So, now we are really struggling with the thoughts of putting him into a home.  It’s not what we want to do but none of us can even stand to be around him anymore.  It’s truly sad.  This has really been a challenging year.  No one fully understands what we are going through unless they have been through it themselves.  Even Stephen doesn’t understand, he gets on my case about not doing it anymore and such and he just doesn’t understand.  If this were his parent he would understand how difficult these choices are to make.  It’s not all black and white.  The really shitty part, we have no family or friends supporting us through it all.  Dads family doesn’t call and check on him or visit him anymore, nor do they offer to lend a hand.  Moms supposed best friend has been MIA for months, ever since her daughter got married.  Where the hell is she??  She could at least be a shoulder for mom to lean on……….nope, nothing.  It’s just all a bunch of bullshit.  Were all sick and tired.
 
But enough of that.  Brooke, wow has she changed so much over the last 7 months.  Shes trying sooooo hard to start walking.   All she wants to do is stand up.  When she starts crawling she stops midway to her destination and tries to stand up.  She wants it bad.  Shes got 2 teeth and is finally growing some hair.  Everywhere we go people stop us to tell us how gorgeous she is.  The other day a lady stopped me to tell me she should be on the cover of baby magazines and such.  Which is funny because I agree and have wanted to enter her into contests but I don’t even have time for that.  Anywho, shes a hoot.  Shes a daddys girl through and through.  She lights up when she sees him.  I love it.  I’ll share some pics.  Her sleeping pattern has drastically changed.  She sleeps for about 4 hours and then is up every hour after that, every 2 if I’m lucky.  I don’t know if it was the trip to New York or what, because ever since we got back she has been doing this.  Its really frustrating me, She used to only wake up once a night and that was about 7 hours in, but not anymore.  I’m exhausted, so friggin exhausted.  But I love her and she is truly amazing.
 
Moving right along, my period is late, by nearly a month.  I’ve tested and its been a no, God help me if it says yes.  I don’t want another baby, not right now.  Theres too much going on in my life right now to add another baby to the mix.  I really think its my lack of sleep combined with all the stresses in my life that have caused my body to get out of whack.  Because I was regular, right after I had Brooke I went back on my schedule, as if I had never even missed  a beat.  So, this whole no period thing has caused me to be even more stressed.  But, I did just go to the potty a little while ago and there was something there………so we shall see if it leads to a period, if not I will test again.
 
What else can I catch up on.  Stephens working all the time, I feel bad for him I feel guilty, I’m thinking about looking for a job because its not fair for him to have the entire weight of keeping this family rolling on his sholders.  Not fair at all.  But then what would we do about everything else?  Not to mention his mom………she is having a procedure done in a few weeks regarding her heart.  They are going in to see if she needs stints or even more.  This feels a bit like deja vu, thats how dad started out.  Anyways, he is hell bent on driving.  If he drives Brooke and I cant go.  I want to go, not just to be there for himbut because I want to be there for me too.  So, I don’t know whats going to happen.  I really wish he would just agree to fly so that we can all go.  I really do.
 
I guess thats about all for now.  Brooke is napping right now, so unless she wakes up I will be posting some pics and trying to catch up on your life.  TTFN!!!