Self Image Issues *EDIT*
Well, Anthony never showed up or called yesterday. Asshole.
I have my eye appointment in about 2 hours, Im a bit nervous about what hes going to tell me. Man I hope we can work the LASIK out.
Last night was probably the last night Im going to see Stephen until Friday or Saturday night. Which sucks because I didnt take advantage of it. I didnt kiss him much, I didnt snuggle at all, I didnt say much. I was feeling very blah. He asked if he did something wrong and he hasnt, it was just me.
I guess it all started with Andrews text just before I left work. He pissed me off, hes disrespecting Stephen, my relationship with Stephen and myself. Then, my boss didnt write out my check. Its easier for me to get it on Mondays since I go to Stephens, the bank is right there. Now I have to drive 45 minutes one way, out of my way just to deposit my check. I HAVE to deposit it today or I will be over drawn. When I got in the truck to leave finally it was 5:30, I had to go pick my brother up from work and drive him all the way home then go to Stephens which annoyed me even more. I didnt have much gas, no money to fill the tank and I just wanted to see my Stephen ASAP, but instead I had to go an hour out of the way. Then Craig and Rachel want to go to Fridays for dinner. I dont eat there, dont care for it, but I was starving and went. Now, its not that I mind hanging out with all 3 of them, but I am the outcast. All they ever talk about is work and that leaves me sitting there starring off into space. Not that I really have much to say, but still. I cant laugh with them, or anything, I dont understand the conversation, so half the time I just block them all out and conversate with myself, in my head about whatever.
On top of all that crap, Im feeling blue. I feel frumpy and not good enough. Stephen can do and has done better than me and its just a matter of time before he finds something better. Which has me feeling like I need to push him away again. If I push him away and hurt him before he hurts me its better, because I know in the long run hes gonna end up breaking my heart. At the same time it hurts so bad to even think about not being with him. So Im confused. I dont want to be without him, but I dont want to be not good enough either. Im feeling fat and unattractive. I really am upset with myself about the weight Ive gained in the last year. So, I’ve decided not to eat so much. If I could manage to get home before dark then Im going to start running as well. I need to do something. I wanted Stephen last night but I pushed the urge away because Im unhappy with myself. If Im not comfortable in my skin I cant enjoy myself as much. Im ALWAYS worried about how gross I look in his eyes and in turn that takes away from it, alot. He tries to say he likes the way my body looks but I think hes lying. If only I could be the 130 I used to be, I swear, Id be happy. I know Im not exactly fat, but I have alot of extra stuff in places I used to not have. I cant fit into jeans I could wear comfortably when I first met Stephen and that was only 4 months ago. Ive started to get more stretch marks in more places other than above my ass. I just……….Im unhappy with myself. Im depressed.
Before I start crying Im gonna get going. Enjoy your day!
*EDIT*
I just reread every entry since I met Stephen, I complain about him alot. I need to stop that. It sounds like Im unhappy, but Im the total opposite.
Stephen makes me VERY happy!!!!!!!
