Oh Ye of Little Faith
Am I an awful horrible person? I realize I’m a bitch, I dont know if I wear that badge with honor or perhaps something else. I have been wronged in my past and it plays a VERY major role in the happenings of my current life. I’m not a very trusting person, which leads to me being a total bitch for no reason at all. Is that fair to the others, HELL NO! I realize that and I’ve known it for a while. This is something I’ve tried to correct, but havent had success. So starting now, after the conversation I just had, I realize, I REALLY need to work on this. Let the past go totally, and start to understand that not EVERYONE in my life has the intentions of hurting me. That some are genuine in their actions, and that if I would just open my eyes, I could see that. I know I push people away. So perhaps its MY fault I’m not good enough for anyone. Damn, why do I do this? I know why……why cant I get over it? I’m a firm believer in talk is cheap, and seeing it to believe it. Thing is, everytime I give someone the benefit of a doubt they shit on me. Everytime I let my gaurd down I am quickly reminded of why it was up in the first place. I understand that one day this will not be the case. Until then am I going to be able to correct this, or will I continue on this path? If I do continue, I will continue pushing people away, damn good people, people who could improve my life somehow….but I refuse to give them the chance.
Me: well, thats good for you
Me: now smile about someone else please
Them : oh i am!
Them : your so rude!
Me: am i?
Them : yeah
Me: how was i being rude?
Me: i asked nice, i wasnt being rude
Me: alrighty then, bye bye
Them : lol
Them :you dont think you are ever rude?
Me: yes, i KNOW i am….
Me: i know im a straight up bitch….no trying to hide that at all
Them : but why
Me: life
Them : you dont have to be that way kim
Me: i know i dont….but when im nice people tend to walk all over me
Them : have i ever tried walking all over you
Them : NO!
Me: right, which is another flaw i have, i tend to think the worst about people always
Them : Yeah i see that
Them : i wouldnt ever be rude to you unless you really made me mad…I like you i think you are very attractive and very cool (when your not being rude) All im asking is dont be rude to me…You think you can be a bitch? ….I can be a very mean asshole…but i dont want to be that way with you
Me: i wasnt trying to be rude to you, and I promise, I’m not ALWAYS rude and such…
Them : i know your not always rude…i just dont like it when you are. thats all
Me: sorry, i have issues, this is who i am
Me: i havent always been this way…..and im not saying i like it….or that im not working on it
Them : ok
Them : so will you forgive me if i ever go off on you for being rude to me when you shouldnt be?
Me: i am a VERY forgiving person
Me: fyi, i just dont trust you….
Them : really!
Me: yes
Them : why not?
Me: ::shrugs:: just dont
Me: like i said, i have issues
Them : do i have to prove myself to you?
Them : do i have to earn your trust?
Me: you dont have to do a damn thing
Them : ok
Me: im not expecting you to do anything either
Them : well i want you to trust me
Them : and you should…
Me: maybe i should, but i dont
Them : well…ok
Me: blah, now i feel like total shit
Them : im sorry…
Me: no need for it
Me: my fault
Them : i dont want you to feel like shit…but i do want you to trust me and feel relaxed with me…
Me: i should learn to just get over my shit
Me: nah, i cant do that..
Me: not at this point anyways
Them : you really feel stand off-ish with me…dont you
Me: im like that with everyone, not just you
Blah……..I have fking issues!! ::pulls her hair out::