Now what……

Well, I had a rough night last night, or this morning I mean.  At about 1 this morning my bladder woke me up, naturally.  I’ve gotten to where I wake up 2 or 3 times a night, usually around the same times.  If I go to bed early I’m up around 10ish, then 1, then 3ish.  Anyways, so I went to the restroom.  Its dark, I’m half asleep, but we have a little led night light in there, so there is some light.  I wipe and notice the paper is dark.  I jump up, say oh no, then turn on the light.  Yep, its blood.  I get a fresh piece, wipe again, more blood.  I call Stephens name but he is dead asleep.  I walk into the bedroom, wake him up and show him, but he is only half awake.  I go back to the bathroom, wipe some more and its pretty much gone.  Crawl back in bed, cry and pray for about a half hour.  Praying that I’m not loosing the baby and if I am that Stephen and I both find peace in it and carry on pretty easily.  I cant fall back asleep so I turn on the TV, watch it for about a half hour or so.  Around 2:15 I go back to the bathroom. Nothing.  So I convince myself to fall back to sleep.  At a quarter to 3 Stephens alarm started going off, while he was up getting dressed I asked if he remembered me waking him up and he said yes, he remembered me showing him the blood.  Neither one of us have said anything about it since then.  I don’t know if its just that we are both afraid or what.

Did I tell you that I spotted a few days ago?  I went to the restroom about a week ago, had one little bit of light pink, so faint you could barely see it.  Later that night went home and had a bit of brown old blood like discharge, about the size of a dime.  Nothing until Sunday.  I had a little bit of that old blood discharge again, but not as much as the first time.  Then yesterday morning I got up and went to the restroom and the same thing happened with the light pink.  But that was it…….until this morning.  Right now when I go to the restroom it’s a very faint bit of what looks like old blood.

Yesterday Stephen asked me to look into the spotting, just to make sure everything was alright.  I assured him it was nothing but I looked into it anyways.  I was right, it was most more than likely nothing.  Could be from old lining that never completely shed itself with a previous period, could be a yeast infection, could be several different things.  I also read that if you have an ultra sound at 7-11 weeks and see a healthy heart beat then the chances of continuing the pregnancy are greater than 90%.  We had a healthy heart beat at nearly 8 weeks.

So I really don’t know what’s going on at this point.  It could be anything.  Not having insurance right now really sucks.  I cant get in to see a doc to see what’s going on.  Rachel is supposed to be doing another ultra sound for us this week.  This was supposed to be the one that we got the pictures for to show the families.  This really sucks.  I took another pregnancy test last week, just because, and I was sure the positive sign wasn’t as dark as it was before, Stephen said it was and everything was fine.  But what if its not. 

I cant help but wonder……

Did Saturday night do something?

Did we tell too many people too soon?

Did I get too excited too soon?

Was I too negative? 

I shouldn’t have bought paint this weekend, I shouldn’t have accepted that gift from Stephens patient, I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant without proper prenatal care.

So many things running through my head right now.

Honestly, it could be anything, I could still have a healthy baby growing inside of me, but what if I don’t? 

I’m a failure.  I failed this baby.  I failed our families.  I failed my husband.

I really hope its nothing…..I really do.

Maybe God wanted to show us that we can do it but He knows were not ready yet.  What a cruel cruel joke.  What an evil way to tease someone.

 

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